Good Morning seems like a good way to start. I have resisted writing anything, hell I have resisted doing a whole bunch of things that I enjoy. I’m going to try and figure out what the deal is. I have contemplated seeing a shrink, but I am resistant to that idea also. Sometimes I think I have just fallen into a pattern of uck. The lazy streak that seems so prevalent in my life has just run amuck, ever expanding. If negative crap can run amuck, why can’t I turn it around and make positive stuff run amuck?
I am a big day time TV watcher, and from the shows I have been watching I have come to the conclusion that the things I tell myself are part of the problem, along with wondering why there are so many women who don’t know who fathered their children.
I spend way to much time planning and researching all the wonderful ideas I hear, and no time actually doing any of the thing I have planned. I spend literary days working on time management. I bought books, made time maps, made to do lists, complete with priorities. I made pretty little notebooks, bough color coded pens and sticky things. It lasted all of a whole day. I can’t even find the cute little pens. I did the same thing with “my diet” that wasn’t a diet, but “a life style change” That did last a few weeks, well, two weeks.
I joined the YMCA, like the people, like the gym. Just won’t get my fat ass into the car and drive over there. Oops, there I go again. I should say “I just won’t get my ever expanding ass into the car and drive over there.” See, negative thoughts, they are bad!
I do know one thing about myself. I love playing the poor me thing. Poor me, I don’t have any friends, no body loves me....no one lets me do this or that... These are the kinds of things I tell myself. What makes it worse is I know in my head this is way so much crap. I have never needed anyone’s permission to do anything. My spirt, the little voice in my head, the one that has gotten pushed aside by years of just going along is trying to come back out. I think back to a time when everything was a struggle, when I had to fight hard just to feed my son, and I remember the fight and determination I once had, and I wonder where is it now? I also remember being pretty happy and feeling a sense of pride. Pride.....ya know I think maybe I found my “happy word”. I don’t have that pride anymore. I don’t feel proud of myself. It’s becoming clearer.
I’m not proud of the way I look, or the way I act, or the way I do anything. I need to get that back.
Writing is good and it helps get my thoughts in order. Cool... I should try and do this everyday.
I’ll let you know how it goes.