My buddy Laurie King is about to come out with a book called THE PIRATE KING. It's a Mary Russell book, set around the filming of a movie version of Gilbert and Sullivan's "Pirates of Penzance." Now, as it happens, I was raised on Gilbert and Sullivan. Both my parents loved those operettas, so we had all the records at home, and in my high school the 7th grade class did a production every year. (Mine was "Princess Ida.")

All of which is by way of introduction to the below, which I had forgotten until the hoopla about THE PIRATE KING started up. Many many years ago, one dark night, I was driving across Pennsylvania on Route 80, late and alone. Any of you who've done that know at its widest point Pennsylvania is seventy-two thousand miles across and nothing happens in any of them. Including, at the time, no radio stations. (I said, many many years ago!) So I had to keep myself awake somehow. Being me, I wrote: new lyrics to "I Am the Captain of the Pinafore," from, yes, "Pinafore." Being a geek, I wrote them about Star Trek. The original TV version. (I said, many MANY years ago!) At this point I can only remember three of the verses, but if you're unlucky, the rest will come to me.

Like I said, blame Laurie King.


The Captain of the Enterprise

I am the Captain of the Enterprise.
(And a right good Captain, too!)
You are very very good
And be it understood
You're a multi-species crew.
(We are very very good
And be it understood
We're a multi-species crew!)
I whiz about through space
Winning smile upon my face
Making love to every woman I see.
In any state or nation
In the whole Federation
There is no one as good looking as me!
(What, no one?)
No, no one!
(What, no one?)
Well, almost no one!
(There are few who are good-looking as he!
Then give three cheers and two lovelorn sighs
For the handsome Captain of the Enterprise!
Give three cheers and two lovelorn sighs for
The Captain of the Enterprise!)

I'm Mr. Spock of the Enterprise.
(And a right good Officer, too!)
You are very very good
Though be it understood
You're an overly-emotional crew.
(We are very very good
Though be it understood
We're an overly-emotional crew.)
I'm silent, strong and lean
Very much like a machine
And I operate on logic all the while.
I haven't got a notion
Of the meaning of "emotion"
And I'm never known to crack a smile!
(What, never?)
No, never!
(What, never?)
Well, hardly ever!
(He hardly ever cracks a smile!
Then give three point one four one five cheers
For the Science Officer with the pointed ears.
Give three point one four one five cheers for
The Vulcan with the pointed ears.)

I'm Mr. Scott of the Enterprise.
(And a right good Engineer, too!)
You are verra verra good
And be it understood
I'm proud to beam up this crew.
(We are verra verra good
And be it understood
He's proud to beam up this crew!)
This ship is my wife
She's the joy of my life
She's the classiest vessel that sails.
My dilithium, it makes her engines hum,
And my matter/anti-matter never fails!
(What, never?)
No, never!
(What, never?)
Well, hardly ever!
(His matter/anti-matter seldom fails!
Then give three cheers and a Noble Prize
For the Chief Engineer of the Enterprise.
Give three cheers and a Nobel Prize for
Scotty of the Enterprise.)