--Hardback or paperback?
Paperback, I suppose. But hardbacks are nice too.

--Highlight or underline?
I refuse to dignify this with a response.

--Lewis or Tolkien?
Um. Peake? Nothing against the Catholic fantasists, but I'm a little bit older now.

--E.B. White or A.A. Milne?
Robert O'Brien. Or Roald Dahl. Or, if you want to go more the crime story route, Encyclopedia Brown. (Sally was my first crush.)

--T.S. Eliot or e.e. cummings?
Eliot. "I grow old . . . I grow old . . . I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled."

--Stephen King or Dean Koontz?
King. Does anyone really think Koontz is any good?

--Barnes & Noble or Borders?
--Waldenbooks or B. Dalton?
Odegaard's and Pic-A-Book and Avenue Victor Hugo, RIP. Long live the independent bookstore! Quimby's, Women and Children First, Ruminator . . .

. . . but if you really want to know, Barnes & Noble is really close.

I'm so ashamed.

--Fantasy or science fiction?
Fantasy, I guess.

(This is kind of a stupid meme.)

--Horror or suspense?
. . . I don't know. Sometimes they're almost the same. You know, the first Alien movie, which is it? Is it both?

Who wrote this meme, a twelve-year-old?

--Bookmark or dogear?
Bookmark

-Hemingway or Faulkner?
Faulkner

--Fitzgerald or Steinbeck?
Meh. Dorothy Parker.

--Homer or Plato?
Homer

--Geoffrey Chaucer or Edmund Spenser?
Yawn. Cervantes, bitch.

--Pen or pencil?
God, are you serious? Pen, if you must know. Does anyone really care?

--Looseleaf or notepad?
Notepad (yellow legal)

--Alphabetize?
ALWAYS

--Dustjacket: on or off?
On, unless it gets all torn up and I try to pretend it's not and every time I put it in my backpack it rips a little more until finally I rip it off and crumple it into a ball which contains all my rage against the fascistic machine in which we are all only cogs even those who appear to be in power and everything is really just spinning out of control and nothing will ever get better, why, dustjacket, why can't you make my life better?

--Novella or epic?
What? Is there some universe in which these two can be usefully compared and contrasted? Talk about apples and oranges. More like apples and lathes.

--John Grisham or Scott Turow?
Elmore Leonard.

--J.K. Rowling or Lemony Snicket?
This is a tough one. Rowling's earlier, shorter books were better, because instead of giving you everything you could ever want they left you wanting more. And Snicket's earliest books are better, too, because everything is fresh and they don't feel so goal-oriented. So, really, I don't freaking know.

--John Irving or John Updike?
Fuck the Johns. Bruce Jay Friedman.

--Fiction or non-fiction?
Yes, because they are mutually exclusive. Everything is a question of extremes! Choose, fool, choose! Either/or! Black or white! Democrat or Republican! Britney or Christina! Friends or Raymond!

Life is fiction. Stories are true. Everything bleeds.

--Historical biography or historical romance?
Biography.

--A few pages per sitting or finish at least a chapter?
Could this get any stupider? (Yes, I typed "stupider." I like the way it sounds.) Is this some fool's research project? Chapter, if you must know, and if you must I pity and fear you.

--Short story or creative non-fiction essay?
What's the difference?

--"It was a dark and stormy night" or "Once upon a time"?
"Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice."

--Buy or borrow?
Beg.

--Book reviews or word of mouth?
I rarely read reviews, and I rarely listen to people. (Although when I do I am usually pleased.)