(I've a lot to say, but didn't want to force anyone to plod through screen after screen of meandering thought. Instead, I've split the mega-post into three.)

Cyclothymia is a mild form of bipolar disorder. It's not nearly as rough. Basically, I end up in periods where I think I can't do anything, and other times when I think I can do everything. I don't go suicidal on the downspirals; I don't think I can fly (and try to prove it!) on the upswings.

Like many other forms of mental disorders, I didn't think I had it until someone pointed it out to me. Then it became a state of, "Of course! That explains a lot!" No, it's not an identity. It's an indicator, a trait. It's part of who I am, but it isn't all of me. It just requires that I monitor myself, so I adjust my expectations and interactions accordingly.

It does interfere with being a writer, however. The whole point of being a writer is to shout to the world, "I have something to say, and it's worth your time to let me speak my piece!" On the down swing, I know that I have nothing of worth to say, to do, to be. On the rise, I worry that I'm overestimating the significance of my ideas, no matter how strong they seem to me.

Oddly, the recent digression into origami was both a product of my down spin and my current climb. I felt that I could do little that was truly unique, so I retreated to something that I knew was at least rare, if not truly unique. (Trust me, if you look on the web for the works of true origami masters, you'll be amazed!)

So I was indulging myself, pushing back my fears by doing something that was at least showy, if not actually productive. The origami models won't put food on the table, they won't get me a new job, they won't even help me network with fellow geeks. Trust me, I tried.

They burn stress, however. Far healthier a response than crying spells, spendthrift sprees or drinking my way to oblivion. And the particular type of origami I do is inherently reassuring. Each piece is very simple. 12 folds, and at least a third of those folds are "now, undo it and spread the sheet flat."

Anyhow, I make the origami models when I'm stressed. I'm still stressed, I'm still experimenting with them. Fear not. But I'm on an upswing. I'm looking at my job and thinking, "Okay, I can do this!"

Yay, me!