(It's still not yet a train wreck, but I can hear the whistle.)

I tried to give some background, but my head is having a problem processing it, so I'll just dump the foremost thoughts and answer any questions in a later entry.

Talked with my mom on the phone. She's been hospitalized for the past few weeks. I'm out of the area, an hour-plus away by home. She's been in and out of hospital for years, but this time it's more serious.

Her mind is going.

She's had to care for her mother when my grandmother was gradually felled by Alzheimer's. It took years, starting from absent-mindedness, to suspicion of others taking things from her, to accusing others, to just simply having no short-term memory.

By way of example, when we had the traditional Chinese wedding banquet Grandmother pulled my arm, pointed at SpouseKitty and asked, "Who's that?" (No, this was not the first time they met.)

I've made near-daily phone calls to her since moving here. The past few weeks have been hectic, and I'm ashamed that I haven't been able to call as regularly, but we still talk at least twice a week.

The past few times I've called, she's been less 'there,' but she's also been sick lately, so I wasn't as concerned. But, she's physically better, and her words are clearer. At least the enunciation. The context and content, on the other hand...

I'm visiting her this coming weekend. I have no idea what I'll be walking into. My mom has fallen back to what I call 'reflexive thought.' She's become, frankly, a bit of a bully. "I have money. I'll just hire someone do to it." The problem is, she will. She has. She just doesn't know who she has hired, for what, etc.

===

SpouseKitty's family is having similar strain. My father-in-law's sister-in-law (his brother's wife) has metastasized cancer. Chemo and radiation therapy. Both. Simultaneously.

Yeah, it's not good.

She's in constant pain, but her mind isn't going. That's a good thing, right? From where I sit, it's a good thing. I value my mind too much. Maybe if I'm always in agony, I might wish otherwise.

I know from firsthand experience that death following dementia is easier for those left behind; if we can say, "she's already died, her body has finally caught up." I said so for my grandmother after asking the nurse to increase her pain medication in spite of the risk it might end her life.

At any rate, I know my in-laws are having a hard time of it, as is SpouseKitty. Problem is, I am often (always?) reluctant to share of my burdens. When I do, I worry that my confidants may have their own concerns.

With my family, I don't wall myself off from them. I do realize that much of my work is boring, mundane, or, more likely, esoteric. I don't talk about it much. I don't talk much about the rest of my life with them -- the parts we share, we share. The parts we don't... sometimes, I don't share of them for a reason.

Still, this means I'm less likely to talk to them about what bothers me.

===

This came to a head when Kitten was complaining about me not promising to take her to the Disney Store, etc. I said, "This may be the last time you get to see your grandmother. If not, this may be the last time she remembers you."

I then had to go to the bathroom to dab my eyes. No full bawl, just wet eyes. Cutting onions sort of blinkies.

Poor Kitten. All our trips to the Bay Area until now have been mostly fun, but some part obligation. "Ying Chow," in Cantonese. "To answer the bitterness." Duty. I think this will change this trip.

And the next one we take will probably be far more somber.

===

Family is watching The Fountain, a film from 2006. It's marketed as a romance. It's marketed as sci.fi. It's not really either. It's a filmmaker's rather self-indulgent observation on death, life and the conceit that death is a waypoint to new life.

It's a typical 'art' film: some people won't get it. Some will think it's a revelation. No 'Elsewhere' post here. Just what's on in the background.

It's not a good film for my particular frame of mind.