Is it just me, or does every elder enter into a state where they think mindgames are fair sport? Could it be the pain, or the shocking realization of inexorable dependency, or the fear of abandonment? So many stories exist from progeny of having their hearts jerked about by their elders.

Mine is no different in scope or direction, just the details. My mom has me, two states away, and her niece (daughter of her deceased brother) two cities away. My cousin has medical power of attorney.

My mom has been telling us different stories. To me, she's saying that her nursing home is good, that she doesn't want to leave, that they cook meals the way she likes.

To my cousin, she's saying that she liked the previous place more, that she doesn't like this place, that they don't cook things right.

My cousin calls me and recites all this. About the third time, I interrupt her and say, she has medical power of attorney over my mom. She can try to move Mom to the previous nursing home, and leave out that glimmer of hope. It will take away the permanence of this home, and it may even mellow her out some, though I doubt it. I suspect she'll then fall to the "Why do I have to be nice to you? I'll be gone soon!"

Then, when one opens up in a Chinese-speaking nursing home here in Seattle, I'll ask my cousin to allow me to move Mom here, thus freeing her from being my Mom's power of attorney.

I don't mention that my mom told me her current place is nice. I don't mention that my mom says she wants to stay. I don't say any of this because its' all part of the game.

Mom will tell one of us one thing, one of us the other, and then will feel some modicum of power when we clash, recoil then have to come to her to get her wishes.

As if we weren't listening to them when first she made them.

It's a game. It's one I refuse to play, that I won't mention to my mom. In my mind, it's already been decided -- my cousin makes the decisions. I can make suggestions, but have no force to impose them on Mom. As such, I can simply shrug and discussion my cousin's options and suggestions as if they were truly stand-alone, not seeds to try to set me off aganst here.

Because they aren't going to do that. Those suggestions are stand-alone ones, and I'll evaluate them from their own merits, not based no if or not my mom told me this and told her that.

I'm just not going to play her silly game.