I've been silent here for a while. I threw myself into Nerf Gun modifications and lost track of people. This time, it was subconscious, but even when I realized it, I didn't raise much effort to stop it.

SpouseKitty's cancer is back.

I just didn't want to think about it. I've been keeping my hands busy with stupid Nerf Guns until the sound of filing and hacksawing got on her nerves. Sunday we had a hellacious fight about my sense of priorities.

I'm not prioritizing the idiotic toys over what she says. Frankly, I've not been sleeping well -- that's why I keep forgetting key parts of what we talk about. Yes, I sometimes stay up late clicking those inane day-glo pieces of plastic, but that's because I don't want to sleep.

I don't want to think. The easiest way to do that is to keep busy, to force myself to do something mindless, pointless, intricate. Throw myself at it until I drop of exhaustion, so I don't lie in bed thinking about what ifs.

Same here. Nothing against you, but sitting and writing a blog is introspection. That's thinking.

So why now? We got the definitive news, at least for now. It's a good-news-bad-news sort of thing. The bad news is that the cancer looks to be incurable. The good news is that it is under control, and hopefully will remain so for years.

What's the difference? Incurable means she'll still have to take meds, go in for procedures, etc. To be cured is to have five years cancer-free, whereupon statistically she would the same chances of having cancer again as someone who never had a history of cancer.

It's not out of control. She won't die in a matter of months. Stop playing the theme from "Terms of Endearment" already. I have lots of time with her, and I'm going to try to spend it best I can.

Anyhow, the nervous waiting is over. It's not as bad as it could have been. It's not as good as it could be. Now, we're onto the next step.

And the Nerf guns? I'll keep working on them, just for fun, not to mind-lock myself away from those scary shadows of the mind.