As if the mood I was in today wasn't bad enough (which I'll expound on in a minute), I had to watch the Capitals lose in overtime in game 7.

Let me give you a little background on all of this. Matt had season tickets for several years when he still lived in Annapolis (DC isn't that far away) and he used to play a little hockey. He's a huge fan. I've always watched a little hockey here and there. I LOVE the fights. I love the fact that the refs don't call a penalty every time two players from opposing teams have a little run in with one another. There are a ton of games in a season, and I don't watch them all by any means, but I watch enough to know what's going on and to know a fair amount of the players.

The first half of this season the Caps were sucking a big fat one, and I'll admit Matt and I were fair weather fans this year. We watched the all - star stuff in the middle of the season; the Caps fire their head coach and get a new one. Suddenly, they're winning. A lot. Alex Ovechkin is the lead goal scorer in the league and they just might be able to get to the play offs. We start watching every game for the last couple of months. They go from 14th place to 3.

I'm invested without even thinking about it. Before I know it the season is nearing its end and with 2 games left, they have a shot of making the playoffs.

The tension headaches, adrenaline rushes, hand-wringing, nail-biting and flipping out begin. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I stress out enough during football season. Don't need this at all.

So, they make the play offs against the Philly Flyers. Win game 1. Lose games 2, 3, 4. Win games 5 and 6. Once again they've made a come back. Not only is the series tied, but then the game is tied and has to go to overtime. I'm headed for a heartbreak I just know it.

My heart races, my blood pressure rises. The dog hides in the bedroom because I'm yelling at the tv so much, I guess he thinks I'm yelling at him. (Matt watched the game over our friends house. I was supposed to go as well, but seeing as how R and I drank 3 bottles of red wine while watching the game last night, I wasn't feeling quite up to it. Not to mention the MOOD I was in that I'll get to later).

As soon as overtime started I had a bad feeling. They were poised to win one of the other games when the Flyers tied it, it went into overtime and they lost. I knew this game was too freakin good to be true.

So that's where I am now.

Here's where I was earlier:

Since the end of January my boss has been out of town. In the store it goes from god to B to me. Since the end of January it was going from god to me. Granted, we haven't been at the height of our season or anything, but I've been gettin it done. I've had to write ALL the orders (men's and women's clothing and accessories), work the floor when busy, schedule help on the weekends, do some bill writing, check in a little merchandise, do reorders when needed, merchandise the store with the new stuff, clean and rearrange, etc. I usually do all this stuff normally, but when B is around, I have a little back up. He does all the surfboard ordering and repairing and I pawn off the nightmare old guy customers on him. Half the time they just want to shoot the shit anyway.

So, I've been the boss. Like I said in my previous post about the kid going and coming home from college, once you've been on your own and you know you can do it and your parents know you can do it, it's almost impossible to go back to the way things were before.

The weird thing is that I feel like I'm in limbo; like I don't know where I belong. At the same time I feel really insecure and insignificant and I'm trying to figure out why.

I think one reason is because of all the stories B has been telling me about his trip. I know it sounds silly, but I think part of it is envy, among other things.

B was in Cali, with his best friend, who just so happens to be a pretty big deal surfboard and clothing designer in the surf industry. The name might not mean much to some, but if you know anything about my business, the guy is halfway akin to a god. And here I am, hearing all these tales of famous people, hip stores, expensive clothing, fashion supplier meetings, etc. and I think to myself, "Self, you are a freakin minnow in the ocean compared to everything you've just heard about".

Where I live and what I do, it's easy to get the big fish in the little sea syndrome. I don't really think that way, but hearing everything I heard today reminds me of my place in the food chain. It's a little disheartening.

Where do I go from here?