I don't even think I know where to start when it comes to writing a journal entry at this moment. But I feel as though I should. If only because I have been going through my old journal entries from last year and I find it so amazing and even comforting to be able to see what was going on in my life at this exact time one or two years ago.

But I feel a little numb right now. A little blah. And it's not just over the obvious thing either. It's a little bit of everything actually.

I'm sitting here tappin my fingernails on the keys because I don't know where to start. It's a weird feeling. Although one that I am all too familiar with. I guess I never really know how to start, and I never really know how to end for that matter either. And not just with my writing.

Do things even end or do they just change and morph into something else?

I guess that's a big issue for me right now. I'm dealing with a lot of change. And change can be good, but change can also be scary and confusing. Especially when it is something that you have put so much of yourself into. But I also have always believed that everything happens for a reason.

I guess for the past month or two I have had this feeling like it was all coming to an end. Or that it needed to come to an end. But I wasn't really sure why. I guess when that one year anniversary rolled around, it just felt like time. Like there was nothing more left. It had all been done, and I had personally gone out on a high note so to speak. And as sad as it is to say, there was a big part of me that actually wanted it to end. Because as great as it's been, as many wonderful memories and friends as I have made, as much as it has changed my life - I feel stalled out by it. Like I pay attention to nothing else, and it sort of rules my world, or at least has for a very long time.

I am by nature an obsessive/compulsive type. I find a favorite song and listen to it over and over and over again. Maybe for hours, maybe days, maybe weeks. A picture or an idea or a crush. I seem to want to do everything all or nothing. Manic/depressive...bi-polar....same thing, I don't know. I mean I know that I am not clinically any of these things. Only because I have known people who were. But I do get fixated on things and can't seem to stop myself.

But these things are usually pretty short lived. The fact that I have been in this mode about essentially the same thing for an ENTIRE year is shocking. The thing is, I'm not sure if it's shocking in a good way or a bad way. Maybe good cause I stuck with something, maybe bad because it means that I had no drive to move on. I can't really say.

What I have been realizing lately though is that I have gotten what I came for. Actually I have gotten something I never expected at all, but nonetheless, I got it. It's secure, and yet I can't make myself leave.

I took a baby step. I left what I have considered "home" for the past year nearly 2 weeks ago. And I'm frankly impressed with my ability to hold out and not go back. But really I didn't make that much of a move. I'm not on my own. It's like leaving home and moving to the dorms in college. Away from the family, but still with lots of support around. Babysteps. I just know that eventually, I am going to have to cut it all loose. Not the friends, just the safety of these places.

Not that there is anything wrong with that safety, but I am a lazy person. And when I have that safety, I won't ever get anything accomplished. I'll just hide there and pretend like the rest of my life doesn't really exist.

And I know that these things are not going to be around forever. The rest of my life will not be spent on a message board with my friends gushing over a pretty rockstar. I'm just not sure when I need to get out. When I need to leave it behind. I guess I just don't want to be the last one out. Stupid I guess. I just never know when to let go, and generally have to be forced out of something in order to make a break. Usually this happens because I latch onto something else. From one bad habit to the next, you know?

Betty saved me from something else...now I am just starting to wonder - what will save me from Betty?

Soundtrack : "They Can't Take That Away From Me" ~ Sarah Vaughan