So, our normally reliable Aurora paper shredder choked on a credit card offer two weeks ago, and died an untimely death.

No problem, thought I. When I had purchased it at Staples, I'd bought one of those silly extended warranty/replacement plans. (I don't remember why - I normally don't buy them, because usually they're just extra profit for Staples. Maybe it's because I've had bad experiences with paper shredders before. Maybe it was because the cashier was cute. I don't remember. But I bought one.)

First problem - I couldn't find the product replacement plan brochure and receipt. I had a clear memory of having put it "in a safe place", but when I checked the usual suspects - no product replacement plan.

So, I've been spending today cleaning up my home office space in preparation for the move, and guess what I came upon? The product replacement plan with my original receipt stapled to it. On the floor, under my desk, half-buried by a progress report from last year's WisCon.

My memory has a very strange notion of "safe place."

So far, so good. Next problem: Inspection of the receipt reveals that I purchased the 1 year replacement plan on 2/21/04. However, the plan doesn't kick in until after the manufacturer's warranty expires. Assuming a reasonable-ish 90 day warranty, this means I have about 2 weeks to claim my replacement.

So, I call the toll-free number on the brochure, and navigate my way through an automated system to reach a live human. (Who immediately asks me for all the same information requested by the automated system. Why???) I explain the situation.

Third problem: my dear shredder still has half a credit card offer in a death grip in its steel cross-cutting teeth. Paper jams aren't covered under the plan.

Never mind that paper jams are probably the only reason paper shredders ever die. I cannot claim that I've been cheated - I know that those extended warranty plans are a gigantic rip-off. I just allowed myself to hope for a few minutes that I might get lucky. So I thanked the customer service representative very politely for her help and rung off. (I think she was rather astonished.)

So, this paper shredder is going to the giant dumpster in the sky, and I'll be heading back to Staples to buy a new model.

But I won't be buying a replacement plan.