I was part of a discussion not too long ago; the topic of which has been swirling about my brain ever since. I've been chuckling at my younger self . . . silly, silly girl.

We were talking about romance and being romantic. Describing each one's vision of it all. How it is an important element of a healthy marriage and one of the keys to a long term marriage (or committed relationship . . . whatever). The more I listened to different versions of what that meant to the men and women around the table the more I realized - we all bought into a bunch of hooey a long time ago. Thank God, with age, we begin to understand romance gets confused with a whole lotta stuff, real stuff, good stuff. The kind of stuff that gets swept under the rug while waiting to get swept off your feet!

I hate to be the one to burst any bubbles out there, but romance, the actual concept of it, was born from a figment of some one's imagination. Then sold as something real and to be expected. It just happens, by the way, people are inherently romantic by nature. Right?

Romance novels are a perfect example. When I was a young girl, like many young girls, I began to believe that romance was real. AND, it was our job to teach stupid boys how to be romantic. If a man was going to love me, some day, he would behave like the characters in those bathetic books. Worse yet, he would look like the muscle bound neanderthal depicted on the cover. Like, what's his name . . . you know, on the cover of most romance novels . . . long blonde hair . . . one name? Ahhh yes, Fabio, ugh! Or the prince charming of so many stories. Or the guy who runs to you in the rain with no shoes imploring you for a chance. If the man I was seeing didn't live up to my vision . . . off with his head and out with his heart.

I honestly thought being romantic was part of our body's function like a brain wave or blood flowing through veins. So, if a guy didn't show romantic signs early on, I concluded it was because he was simply defective. I'll not have it! I want romance all day every day and I'm worth it. All the lovely thoughtful gestures were instantly discounted.

For the most part, it was the ladies who caught the disease of expecting romance or even demanding romance. And boy, we inflicted and projected our delusion onto our men like the plague. Over the centuries men (mostly) are put in a position of having to declare their love in ridiculously demonstrative ways. For instance, the marriage proposal. Oh, the fantasies I ruminated over, for years, about THE marriage proposal. My daydreams were flamboyant . . . over-the-top . . . anything less would not do.

I had my guy jumping from an airplane, gracefully sailing into a crowded football stadium, gently landing, on his feet, right in front of me. Ahhh, the perfection of it all! He, of course, had the good sense to have an entourage in place to quickly surround him once landed. They remove his skydiving gear, with the speed and precision of a NASCAR pit crew, to reveal the Armani tuxedo underneath. Entirely quaffed, not a hair out of place. Slowly, ever so slowly, with his adoring eyes never leaving mine, he descends to one knee while presenting me with the 3 carat Cartier ring (once worn by the Queen of England). He begs me to marry him promising all I ever wanted . . . every day! A grand gesture of love and romance indeed!

Well now, that's not asking too much. Is it? I wonder how much pressure I put on my two former husbands to be romantic? I wonder . . . how much of a turn off was it? Could explain the car alternator I received on Valentine's Day one year. All that expectation . . . to be someone you are not and do things that don't come naturally. Uh. I wonder. I've heard, too many times, the marriage ended because the romance was gone. How can you sustain something that doesn't exist?

I don't need or want the hallucinatory sense of romance. What I need, what I want, is intimacy, which is very real and most difficult to describe, at least for me, but that won't stop me from trying!

Intimacy is a profound connection between two people manifesting in many loving forms. I believe, to achieve true intimacy takes tremendous courage. One must be vulnerable to their mate so as to allow a deeper understanding, a connection that can often feel spiritual. It's intensely private and passionate. When it is reached, nothing can come between you. Nothing! All the false romance and wild sex will never stand up to the test of time like true intimacy. Don't worry, you can still have great wild sex with true intimacy; as well as soft, warm yummy sex. . . wink, wink. Yes, sex is good!

Today, finally, I understand the difference between the two. It is when I met my forever husband (I love that phrase, hahaha!), the love of my life, I began to know the power and beauty of intimacy. My husband does not open doors for me because he trying to be "romantic". My husband opens doors because he is a gentleman and I find that sexy. When he gives me a gift he does so because he wants me to know he thinking of me, and he wants me to know . . . he knows me. I find that sexy too. He doesn't compliment me to feed some void in me or to cross something off of the demanding "honey do" romance list . . . he does so because he thinks I'm beautiful and smart and talented. I can't describe how that makes me feel. Its not the words so much - it's how he looks at me when saying the words that send chills up my spine. He knows me. No material gift could ever match that . . . ever.

That is intimacy, created by two people who choose to know each other like they know no other. We have opened our spirits and our hearts, warts and all. We took the risk . . . with no editing. The reciprocity is genuine and warm and everlasting. What grows from this is unbroken trust and respect and love and admiration. And the few times there is irritation or even anger . . . it is the kindness, at the heart of how we treat each other, that leads to swift resolution. No one looking to win or to be right just fix it. Usually an apology followed by a lively kiss does the trick!

My husband is chivalrous and thoughtful and charming and understanding; all the while still being a man's man. A strong leader. A great friend. Those characteristics in a mate go a long way in reaching true intimacy. I know I am loved. He shows me every day. A wink. A smile. A morning kiss. A pat on my butt. An opened door. Sounds romantic . . . doesn't it? Well, it isn't. It's intimacy, which is far more pleasurable! I'm satiated!

Sooooo, get your nose out of 50 Shades of Grey and go connect with your spouse. I truly believe I was able to find a man like my husband because I became open to a truer, deeper understanding of what love could be. Which doesn't include attempting to mold someone to be what I think I need.

The grandest gesture of love I've ever known? When my husband reaches out his hand to hold mine . . . makes my heart flutter. Every time.


PS: By the way, I think reading books like Cinderella, and the like, are great fun for children and they should experience those stories. I just hope their parents are teaching them, by their actions toward each other, what true love can be . . . which doesn't require jumping out of planes or riding in on a white stallion. Just sayin . . .