I dunno. It's like this:

"It's like someone threw you in to the middle of the room naked without your glasses and you're still trying to find the clothes that fit." ~Me talking about how hard it is trying to find new good friends in college with Ashley.

Words, keep them simple, keep them straight forward. My "slap in the face" basics still seem to floor people. I, the girl who thinks in pictures, being better with them than the normal crew.
I think it can be a matter of over thinking. I take things at face value. My judgment is slammer and straight on when I just let it be.

My friend Amanda over thinks people I believe. She's amazed about making friends in college. She feels odd with it. But I say if you're making friends then roll with it, just be a friend, embrace them, don't let them go.

Then the opposite happens. You don't make many friends. I feel pretty social next to my two roommates and I have aspergers/autism. But it's about branching out, embracing your community, not shelling yourself in. Sam hates Wells. She commiserates and holes herself in. Sammy is just quiet but I can tell that's her natural state. Sam, I don't know. She's not used to it. She doesn't have as strong a basis as she thinks she does. She's got some weird glasses on.

I have a pretty good group of friends I think. Sometimes I feel shaky but it is something I've always felt. Friends for me have to be like soul siblings. There are still people that think I trust them when I don't, that think I'm an awesome friend when I don't consider them close. I'm an open book but I can still keep people at a distance.

I don't know. Friendship is weird. I've learned that.

My friendship with Sara is my biggest example. Yeah, I think she's kind a whore and a gossip but at the same time I consider myself to be close to her after all that happened. She finds me odd but it makes me comforted in knowing that I'm still me. We'll stay tight even after the crappola that went down. We've learned our balance of when we need space and when we can just together and giggle until we're farting and unable to breathe. We respect each other now.


Sara and I were laughing today over the thought that she is gay. I amaze her still with my mind-reading, brainwave catching skills. I think sometimes I know her better than she knows herself. Maybe that's reassuring. I seem to have it happen with a lot of people.


I'm glad to be back with the friends that fit. Kacey, god, seeing her last night, that's what made me know I was back home. We're so different but we trust each other indefinitely. I almost wanted to cry after I saw her because I was so relieved.

I've been talking to Piyali a lot lately too. I wish I had gotten to know her before summer '06 cause she is awesome. She gets me and I'm so relaxed and accepting of who she is that we click. I actually admitted that I find large, darker skinned men attractive now and that I go "OMGZ! HOT!!!" when I see them. Yeah, blame Mo. But there was this dude Mehal that I saw on myspace and I had to stop myself from salivating. Anyhoo, yeah, Piyali and I are cool. Neither of us judge each other for anything so there is a great understanding. I'm like an older sister to her. "You don't want to be a doctor? Yeah, that's fine. Major in English" I tell her. I calm her about college, talk about my experience. She's smart but needs to take it easy. It just flows between us.

Hayley, we're both weird. I talk like a sort of English major and talks like someone that only knows a handful of words even though she's smarter. We're both basic, to the face. I love her.

I dunno. The list goes on of these people who's trust I have. Slowly I'm trusting back.

"Life goes on and here I sit, nothing more and nothing less than who I want to be: me."

With that I close this bumbling. My brain is not going anywhere close to a straight line today, not even a curve.

Peace.
~Lo