Honey, I'm HOOOOOOME!

I swear I'm not ignoring you, I just haven't had anything to say lately besides moping exhaustion, confusion, sadness...you know...teenager shit. But there are days, more often than not, when I simply prefer to keep it to myself. It makes things less complicated. Unless I am releasing it in a completely sarcastic, self-humiliating, or unattached way then it's easier inside....kinda.

It's my third full day home. I've still got the sleepies on me and all I want to do is play Gaia jigsaw puzzles and watch movies and jam to music and cuddle with my dog and not really talk to anyone....which a slight pain when Johnny keeps IMing me randomly and talking about the weather.

Yes, he's back. The John. Yeah, same guy that I dated in freshman year of highschool, that has been another reoccurring character in this blog. He's been chatting with me again for the past month or so and I think he is in love with me again. And you know what? It sucks. It sucks fucking balls, k? Why? Because I am not interested and I hate being the bitch. I'm not being the bitch out right but I'm trying to like...not let it go any further because I don't want it to. Because I thought that after our random get together last summer we were over it and finally realized that we can't be "lovers" and friends were just fine. I'm still attached to him but I don't want him as a boyfriend and we've been playing that tig-tag for four years now since we broke up. It is extremely frustrating and after a while I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to fucking move on with my life.
So I'm confused as to wither or not I want to see him. I mean yes, I am a young female, I have raging hormones, I like men, I ike touch, yadda yadda but like...no. I don't want it to be that with him. I don't want him as my boyfriend or as a man whore. I realize very well that it may hurt him and yeah, it sucks for me because I care about him deeply and hate to do that...but I'm just sick of this complication. I can't say "whatever happens happens" this time. I can't. I don't want it like I kind of did before.
He makes me happy but as a partner I can't see it anymore and I'm afraid that that is the only way he sees it.
I'm just frustrated and he wants to hang out but I'm like "fuck, can it not be awkward with a slice of 'I wanna jump your bones'?"
So yeah. Most people are like "Well stop being friends with him then" and I'm like "erm...well..." It's hard when you know someone as well as John and I do, when you just like click and you like that click but not the click-chicka-wow part.

Um...so...enough ranting there because there are other things in my life than frustrated hormones and emotions.

I miss Wells. It was weird leaving. It still hasn't hit me. As I've said, I'm still in Uber Hermit mode.
It was kind of bitter sweet leaving. It was cloudy and rainy and darkish and the halls were all silent and there was a line of cars outside my window loading stuff up.
I woke up that morning, pulled my bedding off, packed last minute things since most of my stuff was sent home on a Wednesday. I grabbed breakfast, the dining hall more empty than usual. Studied...sort of...for my math final. Had lunch, said goodbye to people there. Vickie and I, my gal pal, hugged tightly and were all "I'm gunna miss you!!"
There were few official goodbyes. It was odd. I was kind of numb.
I took my math final, stood a tad straighter, then went to work in the library since no one really showed up. I sat at my lap top, attempted to blog, failed. I have A.D.D. with writing lately. Sammy and Guy visited me. We all had sadish eyes. We ate dinner together, remarked at the oddity of how empty the hall was but not at the shittiness of the food. Vickie attacked me again, thought I had already left. We really said goodbye.
Guy, Sammy and I went up to the room and then walked Sammy to the building where she'd have her last final, a 7-10pm one. I hummed the Death Song as we went up the stairs in Stratton and made some people sitting in the atrium lounge laugh. It was how they felt about the finals they were taking soon. Sammy, Guy and I stood around. We hugged. I started laughing as Guy did her melodramatic cry and they laughed because it was my wheezy-laugh which makes them like fall over. My wheezy-laugh is very funny because it's like someone laughing while they can't breathe already.
We left Sammy and Guy and I walked down to the boat house one last time, remarking at the stillness of the water and the setting sun and the dew one the grass and how we'd miss each other.
My dad called. He was there. I went back up to my dorm and thy already had my stuff in the car. I hugged Guy and that was it, I was headed home.

And now I'm here.

The last week at school was exhaustive. I had the pains in my body that make me want to bite things and the pain between my shoulders sucked. I also got my period...which is always lovely. I was just extremely worn out and kind of in a "meh, fuck it" mood.
I'm glad to be done because I need the rest but already I'm slightly anxious. I need something to do. So I'm going to get a job this summer, for the money and for something to do.
I do plan on going to NYC, the Renaissance Festival, taking pictures, writing, drawing, etc... this summer so we'll see how it goes.

Oh yeah, I'm a SOPHOMORE now!! Crazy huh?

Anyway, that's all at the moment.
Love you all.
Peace.
~Lo

P.S.

OMG!! Squeee!! Can I have a man like Gerard Butler? Please?!
I just watched P.S. I Love You. Ugh. I am such a mush bucket right now. Mmm hmm.....Hot men, great story. EEEE!