I kind of had a bad night last night.

I had a bit of fun and all but after the dance concert I ushered like I dunno. I felt that kind of mental exhaustion that makes you want to hide from the world, where you don't even want to give your reasons, where you'd rather not speak and when people attempt to talk to you you just run away more. It's something that you need to go through yourself, to have the moment of weakness and darkness alone, until it passes.
But in the process you simultaneously piss people off/hurt them because the silence, the complete lack of will to talk is like a light switch being turned off in the head and any previous plans are canceled because life requires speaking and it's not something you want or can do. It isn't the easiest thing to explain the morning when you know you will get that face of pain and anger, the possibly bitch out because you ditched someone.
But the fact is I needed it. These past two weeks and for some reason more this one I've felt that kind of emotion that lets me know a fall is coming. It could be PMS but combined with just general "Agh!" I think it is life too. Too many thoughts are in your head and exhaustion in the body and you kind of just get black holed.
Last night I needed to hide and it wasn't something I could force myself to stop really. I needed to allow myself weakness and solitude and let the negativity just...go.

What I was thankful for though was that Guy walked in. I don't know how but she just seems to know sometimes, like that we do need a girl talk. She just kind of waltzed in and knew something was up. She understood me because she's been kind of the same way herself this week, where you purposefully disappear. She sat curled on my bed and we ate Halloween candy together just talking, like how the stress builds and people build in general.
I am unendingly thankful that I have a friend like her.

I know I need to get in to healthier practices. My nature walks, my sleep patterns, my eating. I've kind of lost track lately but I'll try to get back on.
It's not something I need mental help or pills for or for people to like....worry about me. I just need simple understanding that it happens and not to run away and not to coddle and not to be scared, but just to understand and recognize that I'm not trying to offend anyone, that I just need this moment. I am sorry but I needed that moment and I needed it in the deapth of solitude and loneliness and I needed it now with no preparation.

That's all.
I just needed to throw that out there.
Peace.
~Lo