I hate when you have a good five well developed paragraphs of a blog written and then lose it with an accidental backspace.
I refuse to write in Word and have note taken of my terrible sentence structure (which not even Word catches half the time).

Anyway...

Basically I'm tired and I'm ready for the end of the semester like many of my classmates. It's getting to be the tail rawr end where finding motivation is a bit hard and your emotions are on edge. It makes it harder for the filter to work as well when you find with tiredness your bullshit tolerance drops a bit.

Mmm, a tour passing through. Don't I look good so awesomely unshowered with my funky hat on hiding my hair and just whatever thrown on. Yes, I am falling in to the college schlump. I will shower today.

God....I miss Mr. Sunset sometimes. He was crazy but the talks we had....somehow beyond chitchat. It didn't feel just light, brushed over the surface but deeper. I don't miss him like an ache but I miss him like...like touching a piece of fabric of someone you loved, not touching it for anything else but to feel them and just to be there in a moment with them again. There is no pain, no real longing, just being there. That's what my memories of him are. Though they are already fading I remember the sunsets as vivid as yesterday. His face fades, his exact words fade and all that's left is the feeling and the color... but it is enough. To touch that piece of cloth of my memory....it's still good, still woven in with me for eternity.

Yesterday I felt kind of stir crazy, like I am trying to refind the depth, the complexity. It was just another one of those Ben Brown days. It was frustrating. Some times I grow tired of the common dayness, of the fronts and I just want to dive. I'm content with the steady pattern and the rythem of my harnesses going at the loom but sometimes I'd like to think about what I am shuttling through, change the color, change the pattern, stick in something vivid and complex and not the common over-under-over-under. I realize I'm part of that every day weave, that I facilitate it as much as anyone but at time...yeah...the woman of patterns wants to try a tapestry instead.

Maybe I need to get back in to weaving, to feel the thread and tensions under my fingers. I think that will be one of my projects, to build the model PVC loom that they have in a book I own. Knitting and crocheting are okay but...yeah I want to weave.

I have my classes set for next semester. I'm pretty happy with them. I'm getting ahead and watching three DVDs on Islam this weekend just because I feel like it. I'm going to try watching more foreign films as well. The plots are really interesting and after a while you don't need the subtitles so much as you fall in to the rythem of the language and an kind of tell what they are saying. I stink at writing or talking in Spanish but in class I can usually figure out what my teacher is saying. Funny because being Autistic you'd think it would be easier to read Spanish as I'm quite visual but in this case it is auditory. I usually concentrate on just listening during lectures anyway though so I suppose it follows my trend.

The thing I am struggling with right now is an autoethnography that is due today. It is about experiences in my life that has made me think the way I do about the world. It's quite hard because it is so broad and you need to find a common theme in the experiences and relate it to sociology. It sounds easy but no, it sucks ass. Sifting through all my memory and pulling out specifics...Ack. This is not the sort of thing where you glorify yourself either. It's where you can go nitty-gritty but like...how do you do it without like emotion? Gah. I'm bad at dividing....and also books had a lot to do with my views and I'm going a little mad. I've been mulling it over for weeks and all I can really feel somewhat steady but ingeniunine writing on is disability. I mean yeah, it's affected my life but it certainly isn't the definition of me. It's driving my crazy and I have six hours to complete it now. It's short but a bitch. Hate...open...ended....papers....GRRR!!

Okay, I need to wrap this up.
Class time.

Adios.
Peace.
~Lo

P.S. Self-Def on Wednesday was not fun the first half. I thought my partner was going to cry because the instructor made her work for once. It just sucked. I did not want to fight her and was way ready for that class to be done. I was trying to be encouraging myself because she actually got her back rolls but man....the tension was just killer. It was like a contest of wills between the instructor and her. After looking up my instructor's creditenals (he's in like halls of fame for martial arts...) I am never going to question this guy's advice.
The second class was fun as we were able to do stick work and knife work (very exciting and fun stuff!) I was happier. The footwork in it is nice because rather than confusing more it helps me keep rythem and then we'd switch hands after every time we hit "high-switch-high-switch-low-switch-low-switch-high", etc. The rythem feels good.