I feel discontentment in my being when I read the truth and things I felt and I feel the problems and my mind is questing for an answer.

How the fuck am I supposed to balance what I am socialized to be and what is expected and what I want to be, what I feel I am? This whole gender thing is one big mind fuck at times but it is also true and it leaves me angry. I had to put down the book for class The Second Shift by Arlie Russell Hochschild because my brain wanted to mentally punch a hole through the wall. How do I live my life differently so this doesn't happen?

How do I live my life period?
It's what I am trying to find.

Balance


There is so many things on my mind lately, so many worries. But I can't forget the worries because they are important ones and I need to confront them.

Questions not meant to be answered from you, just ones that plague my mind.
How will I find a job that will work with my physical disability?
What will I do with my college education that will still keep me passionate and my knowledge useful?
How will I keep on top of my homework?
How will my finances be in the future?
How can I live in a world where the scales won't be so tipped?
How can I find the answers that people always expect out of the younger generations?
Will I live up to my family's expectations? Will I live up to my own?
When and how will I find the time to be in nature and with animals and doing hand crafts when there are so many demands on time?
How will I stay focused on what I need to without dying from the need to break out of it?
How can I not fixate on the things that do not really need my time?
How can I turn back the hands of time?
In what way are my choices now affecting my future?
Am I using my potential efficently enough? No. How can I? Working on that.
How can I unplug and disconnect without being totally disconnected?
How can I stand the frustrating life dramas?
Where will I get my patience from?
What is true frustration and what is stress when I have bombarding not-so-positive-thoughts on my mind?
Am I just negative or am I am being realistic?
Am I a cold hearted bitch or do I just want to be? Do I really care?
Am I really the nomad I want to be? Will I be it?
How do you really change things from where you are?
Is change always better?
Is progress really progress or is progression to future far reaching failure?
When will I have the time to write fiction again?
Why am I wasting my time now?
If I had been born in a different time period would I already be dead? Would I have lived this long?
What is with this emphasis on finding a mate and that being the end all be all of life? How the hell to I escape the pressure of thinking that way and yet find it at the same time?
Why the fuck is there so much emphasis on appearance? Is it because humans really are more animal like than they want to admit and it really does matter how pretty you are? But what the hell is that anyway when pretty is a fucking social construct for humans?
Why ARE people so negative? Who IS coming up with the answers? Why can't I shake their hand?
Who the hell do you believe? Who the hell do I believe?

So many questions. I'll keep a level head somehow but I will always have questions.

Peace.
~Lo