I think I'm sticking with my turbulence title.

I'm not sure I've ever felt so exhausted in my life. My physical and mental body are in a state of just...static.

I don't want to wake up but I can't sleep either. I wish I had time. I wish I had a clear brain of all these thoughts. I want to be without pressure.

I just want to be strong.

I've never been good about stating my own needs. I tend to dive off in a black or white direction when I suddenly crack. I blow all or nothing and as I'm waiting to blow I'm in this shade of grey where I should really just be saying what I feel.

I have all these things I need to do. Why is it so hard just to get them done?

I need to take a nature walk like whoa to clear my mind a bit, to sing to myself, to talk in my own private language again without worrying about anyone hearing it and thinking I'm strange, to reconnect and just feel the air on my skin, the grass under foot, the life around me. But...where is the time? Will my body hold up to it?
I really just want to disappear. But all the same I just want to be with my friends and to laugh.

I'm debating what to do this weekend. There are a lot of things to do on campus and a lot of work to do but I want to go see my friend in the city. Actually I want to see Lala. Do you remember her? She was my best friend back when I started on here.
I think I am going to go see her. It's been way too long and I need it for me. Of all the people in the world I am guarenteed to have fun with her. She's the first person I can remember laughing sooooo hard with I thought I was going to pass out. We had a dandelion war in her backyard with our other homeschool friends. She's Riot Girl, ODY (One Day Younger), my friend. Yeah, I'm going.

Mom says I need to take it day by day and I am trying.
It's just harder lately.
I am trying to stay positive and entertaining but...yeah. I get my cheap laughs where I can I guess but now...I need to just be me and pull inward, rewind until I feel safe and steady again.

I need to get going now.
Peace.
~Lo