Okay, so it's time to get down to business.

Honestly:
I have been a lazy ass bum that barely leaves her room and has been obsessed with getting gold on GaiaOnline.com (I hit 100k today for the first time ever) and having Lord of the Rings marathons.
I have not be productive at all.

I feel like the queen of counciling and pep talks lately. I'm thinking "Oh yeah, so that's what I used to do." It's not bad. I'm glad to be a support for my friends. I'm glad to try and use my logic, life experience, empathy and outsider perspective to help them.
I just talked to Guy tonight and it amazes me sometimes at how similar she and I both are. We both basically think this "I am a strong woman and independent and want to give myself willingly without being asked to give and want a man that knows what he wants and isn't afraid to show it." But then you get to hear the word "intimidate" about yourself.
I have a complex relationship with that word. In some ways I feel like it means I am confident and strong but then I feel like it's being used toward me negatively like "ooh but you scare me" and that I should be soft and approachable. It then makes me want to say "THEN GET SOME BALLS!" Because I am "intimidating" it means that I need to be the "approacher", that because I am "intimidating" it puts the ball in my court all the time when sometimes I just want to be like "Jeeze, can't you just do it?" I mean really, I do love and hate that word.
Guy says that she wants to be chased and I understand her in that because she has been the hunter herself a lot. But you want to know you're after some good prey, right? You want to know someone will be worth the passion you will have for them by them showing some daring and fire too.

This leads me to where I am almost afraid to go here because it's me being vulnerable and heavens know I freaking hate being vulnerable or weak. (I'm learning/making conclusions about myself, one of them being I have a slight mental obsession with strength.)
I'm still having a slightly hard time getting over him. I keep thinking I'm nearly there and then he's on my mind again, pains and joys with it. I realize that I only saw him for maybe 10 days in real life but lately to be quite honest those days keep going in my mind. Maybe it's that my mind is trying very hard to learn from this and so I can do better the next time I am in a relationship. But at the same time it really sucks and another part of me is strongly pressuring me to stop, to move the hell on already. I'm not very patient with myself in some ways.

I need to say this: he was holding out on me and that hurt. He betrayed my trust and completely refused to respect me when I asked and that hurt. I understood his methodology for treating me the way he did in that bitter end and was angry and ashamed at both that he did it and how it felt like I was weak in that he could. That hurt. I loathe feeling like I am being manipulated. I loathe the feeling of having to sit and just take something even though responding will only add to it. I hate that I was in fear of him this long after it's been over. I hate that I had a nightmare about him. I hate I hate.
But I don't hate him.
Nor do I love him.
But the lack of either of those does not mean that there is room to find a place between.
Some of his words are still like a poison in me that I am still trying to draw out.
But it's painful how I keep having these memories flash in my mind about the ways that he was good. It's painful to feel part of me reach out and then also feel ashamed that I do, the part of my mind that urges me to move on. But it isn't something I can ignore. So wait it out until it passes. I am glad that I have the happy memories left, that my mind has arranged it so that good came out but...there's still a space in me -and I don't mean to sound "emo"- but there's still a place that is very sore. I keep having all these emotions and reasons flood my mind and it gets muddled and I just want it to be done. It is getting easier and I am glad. I'm no longer ripping myself apart like I was but it still bothers me.

I kept thinking for a while there hopelessly of my future with a possible mate, if it's even possible for me. After all the negative thoughts I had I think it is. But I need to start trying, have the room to try, the patience to let myself fail and the courage to try again. But I'm not going to push myself either.

I value the gold of friendship deeply lately and realize how invaluable friendship is to me. Friendships to me mean true ever lasting love because they're the people that in my life have proven they will last with me. Some friendships don't ever fade either: as I told LaLa in a message the other day "There are just pauses in communication." You have your bad ones but even those...It's easier to forgive them. You ask me what the ideal love is and I say friendship, even over family. Because family is your friends just tied by blood too and sometimes with more of your story and more of the will to say "YOU ARE BEING RETARDED RIGHT NOW!"
That's that.

Other updates of the less mental-ish kind.
My current photo displayed is by John Howe and is Eowyn fighting the Witch King and his Nazgul. It has deeper symbolism for me the more I think about it. Tolkien is awesome.

I had a REALLY awkward time with Mo. We went on this weird date-like thing that was just all "Noooo!" and then went horseback riding and mini golfing that sounds fun but wasn't. I should have done both activities with different friends because Mo just got his balls beat, both by the saddle of the horse and by me in mini-golf. It was just awkward too because quite frankly despite a cool cultural background, money and aspirations to be a doctor: Mo is boring and has the flirting style of a 2nd grader. He pokes you (I wanted to break his fingers) and makes you talk because he can't think of anything to say and is not creative and cannot make a decision. He'd be great for someone else but not for me. I'm harsh. I don't care. I had to escort him to my door with my body language when he realized I was not going to kiss him. It was AWKWARD!
F. M. L.

And holy jeeburs it's late and I should like sleep now.
-dares to press the public button-
But I am glad this finally came together. I feel a lot better now.
Night! (morning) (afternoon)
Peace.
~Lo