There's a difference between saying the right words and feeling them.
Sometimes I just go through the script. Part of my amazement sometimes is that people haven't learned these scripts.
I have a love-hate relationship with it. They get me by but often times are dishonest.
So you start to cut scenes entirely instead of just living them to raw improv and happenstance.

I guess I'm going through a bit of a low today is mostly what it is.
I'm distressed. Sometimes I become so lost between wondering what I am supposed to feel inside me and what I am supposed to say I feel. What am I supposed to do as opposed to what I want to do. Sometimes the rules of life just become so frustrating. I don't want any more. I don't want any thing more explained to me, forced on me. I just want to be.
At the same time I become frustrated with those who do not understand the rules already in place.

~~~~~

So truths:
What I was frustrated about on Monday is that one of my best friends was beaten up by a guy. The scenario is complex in some ways. He should not have hit it. When she told me I was at work and was in a state of disbelief. I started pacing the hallway and remained calm, keeping as tight jawwed as I could on my emotions. I had to fight the impulse to suddenly go running out of the building much like I did 4th of July weekend, punching the air as I jogged.
I had to quell it for the time and hung out with a college friend. I went through the motions and had a nice time. I didn't tell her as it was not her business but when she left I was deeply distressed.
I am worried about my friend because the damage a fist does is far greater than physical. I thought of everything that had factored in to that violent contact from long years past. I thought of the simple solutions, the just solutions and the hard ones. The easy one is to have someone go beat the guy up and possible exact another violent scenario. The just part would be going to the police but having a long dragged out scenario. The easiest for the victem and for the attacker is to simply not say anything and hope that karma has a way with things. For me I have a hard time accepting that because first this guy hurt my friend and second "laying down" as it so feels just feels terrible. It's as though in some ways you are letting them win but have no choice to unless you wish to cause yourself public pain. So which form is the least hurtful to you? That's the choice.
It kills. It kills everyone that knows it has happened to that friend. It causes anger that cannot be acted upon. There is no simple solution. No one could have been there because then it wouldn't have happened. She can only guard herself against it ever happening again. Self-defense, pepper spray, changing mentality frpm tough, hurt and guarding to tough, truly strong and confident that no harm ever will come again. There is a true strength and a false strength and on a subconscious level people can detect where it is truly part of the mind or just projected to be.

Crap, I need sleep.
I'll write more tomorrow.
Peace
~Lo