Chuckles
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt." -Bertrand Russell

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Positivity...
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Ok, so I'm gonna try and make a happy post this morning. I am focusing on the positives right now, and trying to retrain myself into another frame of reference. I hope to look at these later today when I think about spending a weekend alone, or the possibility that I won't see her under good circumstances again.

1. I'm at my lowest weight in 5 years at this point, and look to keep losing as I have absolutely no appetite. I force myself to eat, and since I don't care what I eat, I'm having only whole foods (with one Coca Cola per day for good measure). I am not allowed alcohol, so those empty calories won't be making an appearance again. My grocery bill is going to be significantly lower than it has been, as I have cut way back on my eating. I love M&M's, and there is a bag (brought over to me yesterday) at the house that I couldn't care less about eating... so this is a big plus for me.

2. I got to drive the cool John Deere Gator 4 by 2 thing this morning at work, not once but twice. It's like driving a go-cart, but on the road around the museum. Even though the seats were wet, and the seat of my pants got wet, I was laughing and whooping like a little kid (the engine is loud, so nobody heard me being so silly)... It was so much fun!!!

3. I have a really cool thing lined up this weekend that I haven't done since I was in high school. More on this later.

4. My parents have been nothing but supportive after their first outbursts of anger and unsolicited advice. I have had some long, and very positive converations with them, and have admitted some things that I have kept bottled up out of shame, which has been so liberating, and they have apologized for sometimes being too hard on my brother and I. I know they love me and are worried about me, and that's a good feeling.

5. My friends, to a man, have all said they are there for me day or night, no matter what I need, and that I must promise to call them if anything goes wrong... I've been pretty distant from everyone for the past couple of years, and their complete and total concern and care for me makes me feel simultaneously great and not-so-great... I will be a better person and look forward to doing whatever I can for them whenever they need it.

6. I just made a funny at work with my boss, and everyone laughed...

It's not all good, and there is a lot of bad stuff too (I couldn't give up the cigs so soon, but will try again when everything else evens out a bit), but I feel unbelievably better today than I did on Tuesday and Wednesday. No more hiding or bottling up feelings or problems!!! It feels good to talk about it. And these are, admittedly, baby steps, but the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step... Onward and upward.







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