I was walking the dog last night. It was 10:30, our neighborhood was still and quiet.

There was no threat, no ominous stranger on the street. I was alone on the block, headed to a park down a little ways from the house. It should have been peaceful.

But, I was afraid. Well, perhaps nervous is a better word. Keyed up, and on high alert.

As a kid, all the way through high school even, I loved to walk late at night. I'd wander hither and fro for hours, just enjoying being outside. Day, night, 2 AM, didn't matter. Since I was (and still am) a terrible insomniac, those late night walks were common. It never occurred to me that it was abnormal, I was never, ever worried.

I didn't grow up in a tiny town where everyone knew each other or anything. I just had not yet been conditioned to believe that as a girl, I needed to be afraid, that simply existing at night while alone put me at risk.

I miss those days.

Now, I have absorbed the messages being doled out to women. Be aware, be cautious, you are never safe. Consider what you wear, how much you drink (not that I do, being allergic to alcohol), who you are around, both in public and private. Always, always be alert to how what you are doing can make you seem like a victim, because one false step and someone will hurt you.

I don't want to give a false impression here--I am not paranoid and I do not spend my live expecting trouble for the most part. It's more insidious than that. If it were conscious I could combat it. But, it's not. It's an impulse planted deep, a perception of danger that only becomes obvious in situations like last night.

When I am alone, walking a dog, in a perfectly safe area, and I can't shake the sense of anxiety. Where the nice old couple that appeared halfway through offered to walk me home and tsked over my husband letting me be out by myself.

I shouldn't need a damn babysitter to walk my dog. I shouldn't have to be nervous to wander my own neighborhood whenever I want.

Of course violence can happen to everyone. My husband, who loves running at night, could be mugged. But, he doesn't go out for each run with the fear of that in his hind brain.

But, I do. Because I happen to be a woman.

In a time when we are trying to teach young girls to be independent, to strive to have it all, the fact we also need to teach them to be afraid, constantly, is so contradictory as to be ridiculous.

I don't know how to fix this. I just know it makes me so angry I had to get it out there. And I'm going to keep walking my dog at night because I refuse to let fear make me a victim in my own head.