Strawberry: 0/100 Pear: 0/100 Banana: 40/100 Tomato: 20/100 Lemon: 70/100 Take the What Fruit Are You? test by webkin and aaronr!

Sounds about right. ---

I really don't understand people. I've been journal-cruising here and over at "The 'competition" and...people are just fucking strange. They have weird opinions and weird ideas and sometimes I simply cannot understand them. Knowing what people *are* and what they *do*, how can you consider them special and worthwhile? What the hell makes life, which is rediculously abundant on this planet, so bloody "special"? What in the world makes people look at the things on this planet and automatically assume that it had to be created by some kind of Sentient Being? And what the fuck makes them think that, even if it existed, it would give a fuck whether or not you prayed to or worshipped it? How can you feel completely burned by someone and want anything but for them to Feel Your Pain and, knowing they not only *can't*, but couldn't possibly care less, not hate them for it? What is it, *specifically*, that attracts people to things (and people, for that matter) that they wouldn't necessarily be interested in if it weren't for the fact that they're unattainable?

I know that, in at least a couple of these questions, I'm completely alone and I not only accept it, I sort of revel in it. (I have a vague idea when/where/how that happened, but I don't really have any interest in detailing it.) I'm not really sure there's any other response that would be appropriate. From my point of view, I only accentuate my differences from others to be humourous and/or to simply express myself. Having felt alienated for much of my existance, I don't believe I've ever intentionally done the same to anyone, though I suppose it's possible (or even likely). I know I've gone slightly out of my way (as it wasn't very far) to hurt people, but even then...I never really expect people to get hurt by the things I say. I suppose I expect everyone to be as tough as I've had to get or I expect them to immediately engage their logic before reacting emotionally. Hmmm. It occurs to me that some of this may smack of a persecution complex of some sort. Interesting thought. Annoying, too. Don't really like the idea of that sort of thing, but there's no denying that I'm more than a little fucked up psychologically, so I guess that's something else to tack onto the diagnosis, eh? Fuck it. I'm suddenly reminded of the time a friend made an effort to get to the bottom of something in my head and I couldn't stop laughing, mostly due to being uncomfortable. I really really really wish I'd let that continue. I have this not-really-secret desire to jump headfirst into being psychiatic patient. I'm dying to see the roots of some of the shit in my head and, more importantly, how to fix them. The only thing that creeps me out is the recollection of my New Year's '99/'00 E expierence, where in I was so positive about my life and the future that it scared me. What if that happened to me and I...wasn't myself anymore? How horrifying is it to think that so much what I percieve myself to be is wrapped up in being this heartless bastard I've become? If I'm not sarcastic and cynical and pessimistic, doesn't that mean I'm *weak*? I think it does. On the other hand...let's be realistic here...surely there's a way to be motivated, to be positive *enough* so that I can somehow be successful without being delusional, right? Plenty of other people do it and not all of them have phenominal talents, either. Some have no talent at all, beyond the ability to get up off their motherfucking ass. These people are successful. Some of them are even rich. There's no reason in the world why I couldn't simply become like one of them, rather than some sobbering, vulnerable, emotional gimp. I just need to get to The Cause. Of course, it's entirely likely that there is no Cause. That my lack of motivation is just fear based on my life experiences and that I simply need inflate my balls and Just Do IT. In fact, this is probably the case. The responsibility, then, rests squarely on my shoulders. I've known this, really. Always have. Can blame everyone else for the mistakes they made, sure, but the buck stops here.

And so, after all this, what's going to change? I don't know. I know that if I get access to all of my money, I will buy a car. I know that if I have a car, I will *seriously* look at jobs...assuming I don't run the fuck away from here. It's still a very attractive thought, but I'd need start-up capital for even that.

I just want the easy way out...