I have this thing, see.

It's a lack of motivation. This means that despite any wishes, dreams or desires that I may have, they're all muted by the fact that I am unwilling to direct myself to do what needs to be done. Left to my own devices, without outside encouragement, without any sort of framework or instruction, I sit and do nothing.

Because of this I have a rather bleak view of my future.
It is possible that at some point, I will be briefly assisted with my goal to drive and will accomplish that. It is also possible I will somehow find another form of employment. It is yet again possible that both of these things will lead me to having enough money to have my own place and leading a meager, marginally comfortable existance.

I'm torn from believing that the luck I've had my entire life will somehow come through and provide all of this for me with minimal effort on my part and believing that my past 'fortune' is little more than chance and I'll end up in the streets.

Of all the people I know, all of them, I have a staggering potential to join the ranks of the homeless.

I see it happening very clearly. At some point, my parents will die. The house will be taken. I will be removed from it. I will, in all likelihood, be unwilling to ask my friends for shelter on that kind of basis. (They'd be insane for even considering it.)

And that will be that.

After that, I'm not sure. I'm not the begging-for-change type. I might try petty theft or robbery, but I don't really have the wherewithall to hurt people I have nothing against with improvised melee weapons, though I'd happily rob innocents at gunpoint and even shoot them if the situation required it. Swinging my arm requires some sort of passion; pulling the trigger is just a decision. I don't have a lot of passion.

In "Way of the Gun", the character of Longbaugh says, "Criminals are lazy and crime is hard work." This is true. This is why, should I continue down that road, I'll eventually get killed or arrested.

Sobering thought, prison.

At least, it is to normal people. For me...it'd probably just mean that I wouldn't have to worry about motivation anymore...and it might cure me of that lack of desire to hurt people in a direct and physical manner.

I don't imagine myself as an old man. I can't. I can't see the future that far ahead and truthfully, I don't want to be old. I'm not opposed to living a long time, but I am opposed to being infirm. Of course, I could at least partially circumvent that by getting into shape and staying in shape, but that would require, you guessed it, motivation. And a considerable amount at that.

I am considering weight loss, actually. I'm considering an unorthodox and unhealthy way of doing it, but the idea is rather tempting. It's over-the-counter, though, for those of you concerned about my nefarious underworld dealings.

It's sad. I've really wasted my life. I've been nothing, I do nothing, I'll become nothing. I would say that I wish things were different, but that's clearly not true. After all, if I truly wanted things to be different, I'd change them, wouldn't I?