It's been on the refrigerator since mid-July, a five by ten grid covered with yellow ducks, rainbows, stars, and smiling faces. My back exercises chart stalled and stopped months ago, but Rose has been plugging away. And last night, she put the last sticker on the last square.

She was picking her cuticles bloody up to three times a day. Every day she didn't pick, she got a sticker. Every ten stickers she got a little present. Highlighting pens were a hit. And last night John gave her a beautiful silver shiny harmonica.

It's not over. She picked as recently as two days ago, but I'd say it's in control.

Alfie Kohn would not approve. Actually, I assume he would not approve because I've been so scared to hear that he might not approve that I haven't had the guts to open his book past the first couple of pages.

Alfie Kohn is a leading thinker in progressive education. When he talks about schools, he says many many things I agree with. Students should be treated with respect. They should learn from their interests. And, gold stars and saying "good job" are bad. He believes, and he has the research to back him up, that whatever a person does should be intrinsically rewarding and glomming a bunch of gold stars and success charts on top of reading, for instance, makes kids less likely to enjoy reading or to pursue it on their own.

His book Unconditional Parenting, which has been sitting rather forlornly on my shelf, has the sub-title "Moving from rewards and punishments to love and reason."

We tried love and reason.

We tried figuring out why she needed to pick. We couldn't do much about the stress of a new baby, a new school, and being too articulate for her emotional growth, but we worked on it.

We tried not demonizing picking but simply offering alternatives. What about nail polish? You could pick that off. What about worry beads? My dad used to carry those in his pocket.

We tried giving no energy to the behavior, not rewarding it with lots of attention. Oh, you picked, ok, I'll get a band-aid.

We tried explaining the problem with picking. I refrained from saying scabbed over fingers are ugly and just focused on pain and infection.

John got frustrated and angry. I got ashamed and worried.

Here's why I like the picking chart.

1. It removes the issue from our relationship. Instead of this behavior becoming a power struggle--I say don't so you do it to see what happens--it's between you and the chart. I'm out of it. (Yes, I did decide what we made a chart about; I already said I was failing the Alfie Kohn test.)

2. She can see herself succeed.

3. I can see her succeed.

4. She likes it.

Rose is four and half. We have used charts twice in her life, for potty training and picking. Last night she asked, what shall I make my new chart about? We'll see.