OK, in spite of its relevancy I'm actually going to skip past tonight's Teresa Heines-Kerry's speech.

Frankly, she's just way too opinionated for me. I just can't handle it.

I'm also not even going to touch on the Dems shying away from denouncing the war in their convention platform, while sending Teddy and Dean up to bat to denounce it from the podium - creating more party ambiguity for the Republicans to immediately rail on. Ed Gillespie (RNC Chair), taking a page out of Clinton's playbook, was both jizzing his shorts and laughing at the latest fraidy-cat apprehensions from the other side of the aisle. Good job, guys. Perhaps it is time to finally grow some balls.

...But I'm not going to talk about this.

No, instead I'd like to touch on what I'm gonna miss most in LA. Besides lifelong friends, a hot girlfriend, supportive parents, perfect 70-80 degree weather on a consistent basis, a beach-adjacent apartment, a job i don't despise, and an overall feel-good laid-back California lifestyle. Besides all that.

My friends, I am going to miss Spitty Yamamoto.

Parents with small children, this would be a good time to close this window. This is what AOL Parental Controls was invented for.

Well, not really - actually this is what AOL Parental Controls was invented for. (God bless this girl, BTW. I staunchly support everything you're trying to accomplish.)

Anyways, Spitty Yamamoto's a lawyer who works at the Japanese firm down the hall from my office. Short, petite stature with a big coif - he almost has the whole Yahoo Serious thing going on. I don't even know his name, but he's been the terror of the 7th floor men's public restroom over the past four years. During that time, I've striven to find the perfect nickname for him, burning through "The King," "The Intimidator," and even "The President" all on separate occasions.

See, Spitty has a thing for spitting.

Now, all men spit. Some of us are more discreet than others, but frankly it's just one of those things. But see Spitty takes it to whole different level. It's like he's trying to make a statement. I mean, he really reaches down into his diaphragm and just takes care of business. He's like the opera singer of spitting - the place just resonates, with sound bouncing off the tiles for at least 5 seconds. Then you walk out the door with your ears still ringing, while you pray you picked the right sink to wash your hands - you've got a 50/50 shot.

To watch him mid-performance is really annoying and astounding and amazing all at the same time. And for years - YEARS - I was disgusted more with myself than Spitty. Because his behavior really bothered me, and it's right at that point, when I'm bugged, that I realize Spitty's won. Despite his small carriage, in that moment he's far more of a manly man than me. It's like a proverbial stare-down contest, and every time Spitty hawks one up I just look away in shame, unable to bear the sound.

[for those of you still reading, thank you, btw]

UNTIL, until my coworker Andy walked back in this afternoon and said "goddamn, that Japanese guy was really at it in the bathroom."

REDEMPTION!

It was like I was no longer alone in the world. I had a friend, who shared my same worldview. We were cracking each other up with old Spitty stories from years past. I came up with "Spitty Yamamoto" on the fly and it was seriously high comedy. I know, you wouldn't think, but trust me you had to be there.

And for all interested, I am 27 years old and graduated from college 5 years ago.