In honor of the upcoming "Aliens Versus Predator" movie, I'm going to do a post on the Yankees versus the Lakers, and debunk the myth once and for all that the Lakers are the "Yankees of Basketball."

But first, last night my girlfriend called me a perve for the post I did on blowjobs and the President.

I was stunned. Outraged!

"You read my posts?"

So I feel the need to reiterate: Who wouldn't want a sexually satisfied President in office?? I know it's weird and random, but sex is a powerful drive, folks - more powerful than we give it credit for in this land, Puritannical roots and all. One way or another, whether it's satiated in a "healthy" manner or not, that drive is going to manifest itself - even upon the subconscious. I'm not talking gibberish, I promise - this theory is emerging more and more in psychology - beyond Freud. If it's the guy or girl in traffic next to you who's tense and irrational due to bedroom frustrations that's one thing. Or even if it's my former Jesuit English teacher... Perhaps it accounts for Spitty Yamamoto. But the guy in the Oval Office? Yikes.

The "perv" thing came up while watching the Amazing Race, where one team member was forced to eat 2 kilos of caviar, chasing it with juice or water. This one spoiled, picky white girl hit a wall fast and her boyfriend starts coaching with "just put it up to your lips - it'll be fine, you can do it!" on national television.

Well, insert joke here - which I did, sparking the perv comment.

btw, this season's "amazing race" features a midg - uh, little person on one of the teams. If you haven't already treated yourself to Bill Simmons' Unintentional Comedy Scale, give it a quick skim right now and become a fully enlightened human being. I would make the bold assertion that watching Mirna dart from ticket counter to ticket counter, her oversized blue jacket like a cape behind her, enters a new realm of Unintentional comedy - the realm of intentional comedy disguised as unintentional comedy. The producers of this show have to know what they're doing...

Okay, back on target: I understand that the Lakers are the flashy big market of basketball to the Yankees' pretentious big market of baseball. But there, frankly, is where the comparison ends.

Major League Baseball is like the Wild West - the players' union has run amok, and ensured, on the basis of privacy, that illegal substance testing remains at the lowest standard possible. In the general public
citizen sense hey - I'm all about privacy. I mean, screw the "Patriot" Act, right?

But when you're being paid millions of dollars by a private entity, your salary based on the level of presumed fair and natural competition as a draw for the general public, and it's established that steroids are all over the league, well, the whole "respect my privacy - I'm innocent before proven guilty" argument flies out the window. The fans, who pay for your lavish lifestyle, deserve full disclosure. Period end-of. How is there even still a debate?

Of course, if there is a debate it belongs on an obscure little-read blog, not THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS. ...Governor Bush, I am looking in your general direction.

MLB also has no salary caps, or limits. As the Notorious BIG would have said, the sky's the limit. In other words, George Steinbrenner can spend however much he feels like to load his roster with the best
players out there - paying each on their full market value, without any league restriction. Each year after the season's over, he goes out and buys whoever gave them the most trouble - Giambi, Sheffield, A-Rod, Jeter. Fuggedaboutit.

It's pure Jerry Maquire "Show Me the Money!" They're nothing but paid mercenaries. All dollars and no heart. The Yankees' total payroll in 2004? 107.5 million. Compare that to the lopsided Indians'
total payroll of 18.4 million, or less than Derek Jeter's salary alone.

And now it's looking like they're about to acquire Randy Johnson.

Assholes.

OK, now let's look at the Lakers' formerly star-studded roster of Kobe, Shaq, Malone and Payton - like the Yankees, a whole lot of talent to be found on just one team. Of course, we all know how it turned out...

The NBA, however, does have a salary cap, and if your payroll goes over that cap you have to pay a hefty luxury tax. That's why last year's Lakers were so unprecedented - under league rules nobody can afford to load their roster with Hall of Fame players. They're worth so much on the open market, that they're gonna land wherever they can get adequately paid for their services. It keeps things balanced, right?

So how did the Lakers land this team?

As W. Bush would put it, "One word: A desire to win." Malone took a 90% paycut to come to the Lakers from the Jazz, plummeting from 18 mill in 2002-2003 to a meager 1.5 million dollars in 03-04. Gary Payton took a 50% cut. Of course, by the end of the playoffs his value had plummeted, but nobody new that when we were signing him. These guys put winning over money, and NOBODY in the press made this point.

Instead, it's up to me, to explain it to all five of my readers...

So be warned: If I ever hear anybody - ANYBODY comparing the Lakers to the Yankees again, I've programmed an intricate boxing glove device out of this rudimentary HTML text box to spring out of the computer screen and sock you in the face.