One of my coworkers, who I have to deal with on a daily basis, is a die-hard Yankees fan (please send your condolences here). Furthermore she's a Yankees fan for the worst reason imaginable...well, not that there's ever a good reason to be a Yankees fan, but she likes them because - you guessed it - "A-Rod and Jeter are such cuties. They're such f#$%'n sweeties. I love Derek." And in a situation you thought only occurs in one of those theoretical parallel universes, she was actually against a trade for Randy Johnson because Randy the mulletman would bring down the mean level of attractiveness spread out among the entire Yankee team.

(If anyone needs me for the next 10 minutes, I'll be in the corner violently banging my head against the wall. Thanks.)


Unforgivable. Terrible. Awful

But not unexpected, as far as rooting for the Bronx Bombers is concerned. If you're a Yankees fan, I guarantee you - you're not rooting for them for any acceptable reason.

I mean, watching Yankees fans talk about their team just makes you question if we all, as God's blessed children, deserve the same equal civil liberties - the right to vote, the privilege to assemble, the right to bear automatic firearms and form cool little redneck militias with them, the right to legal consultation...and most importantly, the right to root for a particular sports club.

Things are getting alarmingly out of control, so I propose we license out the right to cheer for your chosen team. Especially if you want to apply to switch allegiances. Think about it: In this country we distribute drivers licenses only after careful written and live exams. In this country we issue liquor licenses after the appropriate dues are paid. In this country, if you're applying for citizenship, we test the hell out of you to make sure you know exactly what it means to be an American.

Why shouldn't it be any different with your clubhouse of choice? Why shouldn't the police be able to accost you at any given venue and order you to recite your oath and justification for allegiance to the Yanks or Red Sox, Dodgers or Giants, Lakers or Celts? I mean, last I checked John Ashcroft was still the U.S. Attorney General, and you know how he feels about civil liberties and individual right to privacy.

Listen, you can't just get behind the wheel without a license or the proper training - not unless you want the cops after you. How is carelessly stumbling into Fenway or Wrigley or Yankee stadium, oblivious to your reasons why you like the team, any less dangerous? Or harmful to our way of life? Who's with me??

Anyhow, me and my co-worker still have fun with our irreconcilable differences - and even get along! Hey, if Arnold and Maria can be happily married, then there's no reason we can't at least be civil - a civil union of sorts, just not in a gay way...which would be impossible since I'm a guy and she's a she. Yet I digress.

My buddy Andy and I always chide her lately, whenever we notice online that the Yankees are losing. Yesterday, we informed her that the Yankees were down 4-3 in the 7th against the A's (the Evil Empire came back to win it, sadly), to which she replied, while leaving for the day, "you should worry about your Dodgers, Dickie, not the Yankees."

Are you kidding??

That's like telling the President not to worry about Al Qaeda! (OK, bad example...)

That's like telling families not to worry about affording health insurance.

...Or telling people not to worry about an obscene tax cut for the top bracket, while putting maybe a few hundred bucks back in their pocket.

...not to worry about prison torture scandals in countries where we're trying to win hearts & minds

...not to worry about rolled-back environmental policy.

...not to worry about suspiciously-timed proposed Constitutional Ammendments that, while having no shot at getting passed, serve to distract, drive a wedge, and rally conservative voters who would otherwise stay at home.

...White House sources outing CIA operatives married to ambassadors who question the administration's foreign policy.

...uber-conservative appellate court appointees with sketchy civil rights records, nominated on friggin MLK day!


OK OK maybe you're right. Maybe all of that isn't nearly as big of a national concern as the Yankees. Let's keep our priorities in order. Yuck the yucking Fankees, people. Yuck the Fankees.