On Oct. 26, 2005, the sovereign body of Dickie suffered a senseless, cowardly attack at the hands of a lethal, garlic-concentrated local delicacy: The Chawarma.

The Chawarma hates Dickie for his freedom.

We will find the evil-doers responsible for the October 26 attack and bring them to justice - those same people the nice gastro-intestinal doctor kept referring to, saying, "No more eat off the street!"

Those people responsible for knocking Dickie out of commission since Wednesday, rendering him unable to cover the madness of the Guillen/White Sox World Series win. If there were any question before, he's now officially the most useless reporter in Venezuela.

Those responsible for the Aliens-like pain emanating from his once proud, happy stomach. (I think it's ready to hatch.)

Those responsible for the special and intimate relationship Dickie now shares with his toilet.

Those responsible for forcing him to repeatedly watch Teaching Mrs. Tingle dubbed in Spanish during the day instead of doing, you know, big important things in a foreign country. A situation made more grave now that Katie Holmes is a Scientologist.

Those people responsible for putting Dickie in the hospital on a beautiful Saturday afternoon until 10pm, with doctors taking blood samples...

Editor's note: If ever stuck in a South American hospital, beware the words te necesitamos pinchar otra vez, paying special attention to the word pinchar.

...and sticking IV wires into his wrist. Drip. drip. drip.

Those responsible for putting him in the hospital bathroom with not one, but, um, two little plastic cups for samples, after the nice orderly approached Dickie's bed and uttered a strange Spanish word Dickie had never heard before, and yet he immediately knew what it meant...and yet he pretended he didn't know the meaning anyway, as if by doing so he could avoid his terrible fate.

(He couldn't.)

Those responsible for the hospital bill, which caused worse pain and suffering to Dickie's stomach than the chawarma.

Yes, we will find the evil-doers and bring them to justice. They think they have defeated us, what with their little "armed robberies" and "violent stomach infections" and all. But these are the moments that define us as a Dickie Cronkite. No, we're gonna show these fanatics what we're made of: We're gonna fight back.

At this hour, I have authorized preemptive action on culinary targets across Caracas, starting with the Domino's Pizza up on Tercera Avenida and Quarta Transversal. We are going to order a medium pizza from the mediocre McDonald's of Pizzas, pretend we're back in the U.S., and tell this country what it can do with its viral infections.

Much progress has already been made in the war against culinary terror. The Dodgers fired Paul DePodesta on Saturday. Well, that doesn't have anything to do with culinary terror, but it's a good start.

Thank you, good night, and God bless Dickie.