I'll preface this by saying:
I may be an emotional masochist, but I tend to see various upsets and burdens as a sort of psychological weight-lifting. Practice builds resilience. This interpretation gives meaning and strength to otherwise miserable events.

I have taken up singing in the car, to stabilize my attention. Hymns work well, as I am usually praying for someone or other as I travel from one place to the next. When I am relaxed, singing any music still helps keep me awake and focused on the road.

This one came out at the end of my day today, as I was driving home in the dark. I think it's a lullabye. I'm not sure how many verses it actually needs. I've attempted a tune notation after the end of the lyrics.

Are you awake?
Are you awake, my darling?
If you're sleeping soundly, I will leave you be...
If you are dreaming, dream on and sweetly,
but if you're waking,
turn and wake with me.

Are you awake?
are you awake, my dear one?
my heart is swelling as I watch you sleep
You who are so weary, so warm beside me
Whom I love so dearly, whom I love so deep.

Are you awake?
are you awake, my darling?
Your easy breathing fills this dark room
I love your stillness as I love clear water,
I await your stirring as the rising spring.

Are you awake?
are you awake, my darling?
In shades and shadows
Your bones lie true
I see my baby, man-child, old mother,
after this small lifetime I will dream with you.

Pick a key you like, for example C.
Start on the 5th below (G), and then come back up for the 123 of the scale (CDE). Second line repeats, then slides back down.
(g)Are (c)you (d)a(e)wake?
(g)Are (c)you (d)a(e)wake, (c)my (a)dar(g)ling?
Then (c)(c)(e)(e-d), (d-c)(b,d,e)?
(c,d,e,f-b), (f,f,^g,fe),
(c,c,e,e,d), (b-c d,b,c)

Dunno if that gets it across, and the rhythm you'll have to guess. I liked it, anyway. The experience of watching someone beloved sleep has a special kind of timelessness that's hard to capture without being trite. I'm aiming for something that could be a love song, or a baby lullabye, or a mourning song.

***
So what happened this week?
how long has the week really been, anyway?

There's a line in Tolkein, "weary with sorrow and much toil..."

Sunday, I went to church around eleven, only to discover that it had been the special twice-a-year service that happens at 10 am instead. I caught the end of a lovely multicultural service, with Pacific Islander, Spanish, and then a round-the-world refrain from the youth choir. Looked for older ladies at the potluck afterwards, introduced myself as Enid Ritter's grandaughter, and invited the ladies to sign their names on a piece of paper so she'd know who says Hi. Brought home for Grandma a selection of potluck treats; most of them are still sitting in the fridge. Oh, well.
Dad comes over to grandma's 2 PM, we finish 2nd railing on stairs (Yay!), he does a little yardwork while I enjoy his power tools. Then we drive Grandma to see rose gardens & penguin intersection-painting near Peninsula Park. Then a quick dinner. Then Dad and I load my bike onto his car to visit Ernie & play some music for him & friends, then he drives off to meet Kacy for a belated family dinner. I bike home.

Monday... Grandma had a podiatrist appointment at 10:30. She woke me at 7:30 am; I confirmed that I had set my alarm for 9am, and we would be leaving around 10 am. She apologised for waking me. We went back to sleep, woke again, arrived on time.
I asked the good doctor to take a look at one of my feet while we were there. Events progressed. Grandma was returned to walking order, I limped out with a hole in my heel where a wart used to be, and a corresponding hole in my checking account. No problem driving home, but once the anaesthetic wears off it hurts like hell to touch the ground with that heel. Even with the little U-shaped pad around the actual hole. While the doctor said, "We won't go below the deepest layer of skin," I hadn't realized quite how deep the skin of the heel is.

From here, walking becomes limping. When fresh, I can improvise a springy sort of kangaroo-walk, when tired, it's a definite stumping limp.

I spent the rest of Monday feeling as though I should be calling all the folks on my to-do list. Instead, took 2 naps, between which I looked up numbers, and made calls to people who might have the numbers for other people who weren't in the phone book.
E.g:
-find a reliable mechanic for Grandma's car,
-sort out tomorrow's dental appointment, written down by Grandma, which seems to conflict with both the housekeeping appointment and the dental office's recorded schedule;
-find phone numbers for doctors for my own stiff jaw and weary soul.
-and another dozen items on the list which I now forget...

Tuesday: Dental appointment turns out to be the 6th of July, not June; a Thursday. Doesn't conflict with housekeeping, but does conflict with the podiatrist follow-up we just set up. New housekeeper does not show up today after all.
Having identified a reliable mechanic and made an appointment, I drop the car off around 9:30 AM (only an hour later than suggested), un-wedge my bike from the trunk, and ride to a nearby cafe for a breakfast/lunch of quiche and tea before stopping at the ajacent library.

I'd been meaning to check out some Garbiel Garcia-Marquez books, hoping to invigorate my fiction. Left the books in my bike basket while ducking back in to use the restroom, came out to find them missing and the other contents of the basket (including grungy rainpants, the bag the books'd been in, and the check-out slip) strewn on the sidewalk.
Gathered up remaining items, reported the books stolen to the library and police, asked the folks gathering on the sidewalks for a parade if they'd seen anyone, asked them to keep an eye out, headed off to work. (did not stay to see parade).
At work by 1pm, cleared incoming email, calls. Did not get to check old phone messages or real-mail. Made impromptu arrangement with Sabrina: I lend her my pannier-equipped bicycle in exchange for her including the compost I need in her garden-shopping errand. (Compost will allow me to plant the rhubarb which has been waiting on G'ma's deck since last Wednesday -- a potted one, not the Avocado's late boyfriend of my previous post. Avocado is doing well, in case you wondered.)
Tuesday is normally a day for aikido -- today, hole in foot seemed contraindicative of barefoot exercise.
Stayed at work until 6pm, then visit Ernie in the hospital. Not finding a downhill location, I haul the roughly 20 lbs of steer manure on bicycle there & back (used bus to get up OHSU hill). Group of friends who are with Ernie share my amusement at this idiosyncracy. Animated discussion of view of Portland, sunset, stay with group until about 9pm when Ernie gets sleepy, head home by bicycle. Lovely smell of forest -- fir & maple duff -- along downhill cruise in OHSU woods. Use eastside riverfront path, lovely. Still, tiring hauling steer manure 8 miles. Luckily have discovered relatively flat bike-route home along lower-traffic roads. Arrive about 11:30pm, soak foot, re-wrap, sleep.

Wednesday -- aware of wrap-up party planned by PSU students who'd participated in our big VBC event, slept in a bit and headed down to work, arriving by 1pm. Found note on my computer informing me of 12:00 meeting about preparing office space to host party.
While grateful for the extra hands to help clean, unprepared & feeling incompetent: perplexed by simple questions of what goes where, as space is in constant flux and I am weary. Eventually arrange space. Found a few minutes to check voicemail, passed on a few of the more urgent messages, but vacuum-noise and then incoming guests prevented returning most of the calls. Students & others arrive for party, fortunately bring good potluck food. Facilitate set-up by students, organizers, & Ernie's friends fundraising for his recovery. Eventually able to step back. Participate as appropriate, thank students for work & encourage them to buy fund-raising books; wait for band to exhaust enthusiasm, sign up band member as potential volunteer, encourage clean-up (PSU students remarkably responsible to being with). Limp out to recycling with entourage of helpers, eventually see everyone out afterwards. Now quiet, around midnight, much too late to finish calls. Eleven hours today, plus yesterday's five, uses up my 15/week and then some.
Soaked foot in betadine after arriving home. Don't remember bike or car, think it was bike.

Thursday -- plan to visit Ernie AM, go in to work PM. Packed "homework" to do while hanging out at hospital. Car not done in shop -- foot tired of bicycling -- drive Uncle Paul's accessible van.
Grandma reminds me we need wet cat food (as well as food for her); cats will not leave her in peace without wet food (sometimes not even with it). Pointed out canned salmon; got permission to deliver groceries on way home instead of making 2 trips.
Stopped by Fred Meyer on way to visit Ernie. Looking forward to seeing him again.
Went ahead and parked in disabled spot, since van has handicapped permit and I'm weary and still limping. Bought groceries on Grandma's account, flowers & "real food" for Ernie. Hauled back to van. Turns out permit only applies when transporting permit holder, no exceptions. $450 citation. Officer desires to be acknowledged as doing me favor by not confiscating Uncle Paul's pass. I cry but otherwise remain civil.
Arrived at OHSU upset as well as weary, and frustrated at being teary instead of cheerful visitor. Took a few minutes in lobby, discover postal annex, post urgent packages from work, buy stamps. Regain a few increments of composure. Arrive to find Ernie fasting again in prep for another surgery. Did not tell Ernie embarrassing story of citation. Unanswered phone messages still sitting on desk at work. Cannot call business voicemail line to retrieve them remotely because already deleted from machine. Oh well.
Realize that, limping like this, will not be able to hike with Mom on Saturday. Make alternate plans for gardening. Check cell phone for other messages. Mechanic says car will be ready to pick up by 3:30; got this message around 5pm after mechanic gone home. Mechanic will be out much of morning, too.
Stay with Ernie until about 9:30pm, when he goes into surgery for 6th round of closing-the-leg. This time, with skin grafts. Decline to stay until he gets out (1-4 more hours...) Went back up to his room to collect my things, soaked hole in heel, rested until ready to drive home -- about 10:30pm. Did not get to "homework." Oh, well.
Arriving home, spent a little time with Grandma unloading groceries and catching up. Laughed at cat. Still awake at 2am, wanting to go back and keep Ernie company after surgery, after all. Logic-brain says what about needing sleep. Emotion-brain does not think sleep is an option when there is Care to be done. If I go to hospital again, may not be allowed in. Would rather lose sleep at hospital and feel good & tired, than lose sleep at home & be grumpy and tired in the morning. Do not go. 2:30am: begin writing "101 Reasons Why Erica Might Be Crying" in writing journal. 3:30 AM, 4 AM, finally sleep.

Friday -- wake, grumpy, noonish. Grandma heats soup for lunch. Bike down to pick up Grandma's car, load bike into trunk, pay repair bill with personal debit card, go over details of repairs. On way back, drive to bank, cash Grandma's paycheck, inquire about paperwork for getting on her account. Then drive to grocery store, limp in, get perishable food for Grandma. Bike fortunately not stolen during these trips.
On returning home, Grandma & I split a fantastic lavendar-honey ice-cream sandwich with lemon cookies that I found at grocery store. Wow. Forgot flowers in floral department, return by bicycle for those + bananas.
Add up receipts, car bill, weekly fee, and have Grandma sign reimbursement check. Deposit check by mail.
Show Grandma paperwork from bank. Respectfully suggest getting me on account sometime when she can make a visit to the bank. Grandma seems to think account should have only her 4 children on it for inheritance purposes: Ardath should be on account, not Erica. Respond that Ardath is unlikely to need access before her visit in August; should something happen to Grandma, other siblings will not deprive Ardath of portion. Meanwhile, Erica being able to write checks for groceries, and cash paychecks, would simplify accounting. Grandma agrees to consider this suggestion, would prefer to discuss with Russ/Phil. (Erica has already discussed this with Dad/Phil, who suggested / support the idea ...). Leave topic for Grandma's consideration.
I consider calling my bank to transfer funds for mechanic / citation checks, as reimbursement will cover one but not both. Have not yet had time to sit down with citation, write check & letter of explanation. Don't remember telephone teller number or codes. Oh well.
Find leftover soup simmering thick on back burner; turn off. Grandma momentarily unmindful. Unusual.
Evening: receive surprise call from Dad that Paul might be coming home tonight, needing to be picked up at airport with his van. Glad I'm at Grandma's and not out visiting with it. Leave messages with Paul and Dee to check rumor of impending arrival. Discover practical way to haul 8' x 4' ramp up from backyard without using right heel. Receive return call while balancing ramp on back. No, Paul's returning not tonight but Sunday evening; planned to call with more details & adequate warning. Message garbled in translation from Dee to Kacy to Dad to me. Leave ramp by side of house. Evening suddenly relatively free.
Call Ernie to wish him well; he is looking for something to feed his 4-5 visitors for dinner. Arrange to bring salad. When I get there an hour later, he is out of the room -- probably seeing some of the visitors off, taking any excuse for fresh air. I end up having a good whinge to one of Ernie's other girl friends as we waited for him to come back. Nice sympathetic person, also discreet. Hope to spend more time with her sometime, reciprocate.

Eat salad. Deliver duplicate fantastic lavender-honey-lemon ice cream sandwich to Ernie. Obtain agreement as to fantasticality. Tentatively agree to bring accessible van back next (Saturday) morning, before gardening with Mom and going to Samantha's birthday party, to take Ernie for an outing if permitted. Go home. Soak & re-bandage foot.

Saturday. Exchange calls with a few of Ernie's friends to see if outing seems advisable. Arrange to meet Mom for gardening later in day, to allow for brief outing. Arrive at hospital mid-morning. Staff vetoes leaving grounds before discharge, as insurance would be invalidated. (6-10 surgeries on smashed leg = expensive even with insurance.) Cancel outing, stay to visit, have more salad for lunch (with shrimp!).

While finishing, receive call from [stepmom] Kacy saying that Dad has fallen from 2nd story height, being taken in ambulance to Emmanuel. Brief breakdown, quick recovery. Get directions from admittance desk, drive to Emmanuel. Call Mom to inform, cancel gardening date, ask her to spend time with Grandma to allay worry.
(This is the drive on which I begin singing hymns as a breathing exercise, and a living prayer.)
Meet Kacy in ER waiting room, 1:00pm. Tell stories. 2pm, finally see Dad after scans completed. No major bones broken, one rib cracked, decent-sized laceration from landing in rhododenron. Dad embarrassed, grateful to the late rhododenron, emphatic about not disrupting stepdaughter Nancy's graduation this evening. I agree to stay with Dad while Kacy attends Nancy's commencement. Return to waiting room with Kacy while ER staff stitches up Dad's leg.
All along, exchanging calls with a variety of family & friends. Granma calls saying there was a message from Paul, which there may not have been, but I call Dee, and so begin keeping her in the loop of updates. Now updating Mom, Granma, Dee, Ernie, new friend Sabrina who was going to come over during gardening date, old friend Samantha whose birthday party I may miss. Kacy updating Nancy, other graduation guests, Dad's boss Steve.
I go to shop for food for me & Kacy; avoid handicapped parking spaces. Returned to Emmanuel around 3:30pm, Kacy growing disturbed at no word from Dad's team. Kacy inquires. Nurse apologizes -- procedure took longer than it sounds, wound needed cleaning, small drain as well as stitches.
Waiting. Dad's boss Steve shows up with balloon animal & good wishes. I have little to say to him. 4:45, Kacy's ride to Nancy's graduation (chiropractor William) is here, Kacy wants and eventually gets 5 minutes with Dad before leaving. I limp back into ER, carrying groceries, to follow Dad to room where he will be kept overnight for observation.
On Dad's request, divulge a bit more about Ernie: yes I like him, but I'm not the only one; relay some of Ernie's history. Brief discussion of "alternative" as a negative definition (alternative to what?). Arrange bedside objects, attend the eating of dinner. Dad stout-heartedly cheerful about hospital tuna-noodle casserole (he hasn't made it at home in a while, likes it). Soup, roll, pumpkin pie good. I also supply fresh grapes from grocery bag.
Dad ready to sleep at 7pm, we work out how to turn out light without straining sore areas. Dad suggests I leave him to sleep, get some "Erica time." I suspect Kacy will be disappointed that I am not staying at bedside whole time she is gone. Also suspect that Dad will not sleep if I stay. Dad suggests that parental obedience might give his wishes some weight as well as Kacy's. As I am more than ready for some "Erica time," leave Dad to sleep.
I call Samantha, party still happening, head over. En route, Kacy calls my cell to share graduation moment with Dad. Not possible. Connection too noisy to explain. Oh, well.
Arrive at Samantha's new house after only 2 missed turns. After years of intermittent contact, happy to discover I know more than half of the people there (her husband, family, most of the friends are familiar). Sit down. Drink tasty beverage. Eat cake. Put feet up by new firepit on new patio, observe new lawn and old field beyond as evening deepens. Play poker with new set of chips (wedding present). Discover that usually-bitey dog remembers that we are friends. Especially with trick-treats.
Relax.
10pm check in with Kacy. Sorry about not being there the whole time; Dad wanted to sleep. Also did not call Phil, Lynn, and Ardath; misinterpreted Kacy's request to contact "my side" as being my own siblings/mom rather than Dad's siblings. Agree to call them tomorrow to complete delivery of information about Dad's now less-critical accident. (Sorry, family, if you read this first. May I emphasize that Russ is going to be OK, and would much rather downplay this whole thing.) End call to Kacy.
Party winding down at Samantha & Derek's. Drink coffee. Admire rest of new house. Say good-bye, tell Sam about citation. She is suitably appalled / sympathetic. Thumps hood, tells me front headlight is out, so act surprised if St. Helens' patrol officer notices.

Singing again on the way home to stay awake. Now it's evening-dark, moon and silvery clouds, headlights along Hwy 30. Driving 5-10mph under the speed limit in a stubborn heavy van. Old songs and new. Round after round of Tallas canon variations (all parts, scramble parts, invent new parts) while feeling genuinely grateful for reprieves from fears of mid-day. Occasionally, when I stop singing, I find that worries catch up with me and distract me. Resume singing. After stretching range on church songs, waver into wordless compositions, then begin new songs (e.g. "Are you awake?" above).

Pull into grandma's drive. Neighbor, parking at next house, calls out "Did you know your headlight's out?"
"Headlight Out? ... Thanks."

Soak foot while typing on Internet. Weird blistery thing around hole in heel, is hole closing? or swelling? Doctor will check it in a few days, can tolerate 'til then.

***

It's Sunday again. After I get some sleep, I think I'd better have a chat with God.

I'm grateful that Dad's injuries are relatively minor; grateful that Ernie is healing and I have a chance to get to know him and our mutual friends better; grateful that in spite of my parent's divorce, my mother is still able to be a support to my paternal grandmother when needed.

Yet...
There was a moment in the parking garage, limping back up to drive the van from one trauma ward to the other, that I wondered. Is this what I was made for? Is this the climax of "sorrow and much toil," my living up to what my resilience can handle? Or are these episodes some kind of emotional preparation for more, and harder, cares to follow? Maybe I am overstraining my emotions at an unhealthy level, soon to be dissuaded by professional therapy?

No one has died. Life goes on. I get to know Grandma, Ernie, Dad, Kacy more deeply because of their moments of need.
I can't help feeling it would be nicer to get together over pancakes instead.

Congratulations, Nancy, on graduating high school. Not to mention doing Jr. & Sr. years in one year. You're amazing. Hope your "walk" was as splendid and satisfying as you deserved. And yes, your mom will always try to protect you no matter how times you're a black belt.

Thanks, Mom, Sabrina, Ernie, Samantha, for not only swinging with the change of plans but being gracious and supportive. Raincheck on the gardening and the hike, thanks for boost and the extra poker-chips to keep me in the game. It was fun.

Hang in there, Kacy, it'll be another good story someday.

It's now 4 am. Make that 5:45. Coffee should wear off soon. Birds are singing. It's light. See you in the new day.