Barry Bonds is the greatest hitter to ever play the game of baseball, no doubt about it. The man has incredible determination and skill, and he just keeps getting better with age! Now some of you may be a bit worried about this so-called scandal with him and BALCO and the possibility that Barry used illegal drugs. But let me just tell you one thing.

Barry did not use any illegal drugs

I mean, how could he? First off, they’re illegal and Barry’s not dumb, he doesn’t want to go to jail. And surely he knows about the possible health side effects right? Pfft! nobody’s going to risk their health and jail time for some tiny advantage that steroids might provide. And Barry’s a man of his word, a class act. Of course he wouldn’t use! He doesn’t even need them. He works out, like, six hours a day and that’s why he’s in such terrific condition. Ok ok some of you might say that a man in his early forties who follows a bruising workout schedule may actually have trouble retaining muscle due to lower testosterone levels and decreased recovery ability. And also that the ability to remain lean, carry a high muscular bodyweight all while following a demanding training schedule and withstanding a grueling professional sports season are actually a sign that he may be using performance enhancing drugs.

But its not. The man has good genetics. He trains smart and hard, and he has world class trainers like Milos Sarcev to design perfect workouts for him.

And don’t feed me this bullcrap about him gaining almost 50lbs of muscle during his pro career or about his school yard chum (you know the guy who analyzes Barry’s blood and gives him vitamins that he needs) who has been manufacturing previously undetectable steroids. Oh so Barry is guilty by association now? I suppose you’d try me for being a communist or a homicidal dictator!

Anyway, so you don’t even have any PROOF that Barry used drugs. Yeah, yeah I know that he received a package of steroids in the mail but he threw those out. I mean, did you actually SEE Barry inject anything into his body? And if so, can you even be certain that these were steroids and not like medication or something? I thought not, innocent until proven guilty man; don’t be laying serious blame like this unless you’ve got some real proof!

EVEN if he DID use (he didn’t) its not like steroids could improve his hand-eye coordination or anything. Sure human growth hormone has been shown to improve eyesight in some cases, and well yeah, extra muscle could CONCEIVEABLY allow him to swing the bat faster than he otherwise would giving him more time to recognize and follow pitches, and of course, the extra muscle mass would mean that he wouldn’t have to hit the ball as perfectly in order to make it fly far but I’m not sure if ANY of that meets the technical definition of hand-eye coordination.

Well anyway I’m sure that you agree with me by now that Barry Bonds is not a cheater (and even if he is, he should still go to the hall. I mean, how many home runs could roids cause anyway?) And if you don’t agree it’s probably because you are some kind of anti-drug nutcase who doesn’t realize that people want to see the long ball.



Next week I will discuss the false imprisonment of Jose Canseco, and how he was convicted with virtually no evidence…