I don’t like bees. Some might even say that I have an irrational fear of being stung, but I’ll tell you it is completely rational. WANTING to be stung, oh, dear reader, now that would be irrational, sick even.

Now I’m not talking bumble bees so much, they are slow, easy enough to avoid and fairly even tempered. No, I’m talking about the wasps and hornets and those big black ones where their legs hang like three inches below their bodies. One sting from those things can take out a fully grown elephant. Have you ever seen an elephant collapse and die from pain? You can be sure he was stung from one of those big sum-na-bitches!

These bees do all they can to try and get in your house, in your car, and into the corners of your aluminum siding. They know they’ve only got a few months to terrorize us before winter strikes them down and they’re determined to get in as many stings as possible before then.

So I’ve put together a list of things you can do to protect yourself:

1. Live in the north (or south for you southern hemisphereites) where bees are only prevalent for about 3 months of the year. If you have bees year-round you’re fucked and I can’t help you.
   
2. Wear clothing that covers all of your body (including face) whenever you go outside. Bees can’t attack you if all of your skin is covered, a little sweating is a small price to pay for protection.
   
3. Eat and use products containing honey or beeswax. We want these bees to know who’s boss!
   
4. Encourage the growth and development of bee-eating spiders in and near your home. Sometimes natural defenses are the best.
   
5. Lastly, apply caulk to all possible points of bee entry; doorways, windows, car doors and trunks, and air vents. A nice tight seal will keep out unwanted intruders.