*** WARNING THIS ENTRY IS INTENDED FOR AMUSEMENT PURPOSES ONLY. THIS DOES NOT CONTAIN THE REAL VIEWS OF THE AUTHOR, HER FIANCE, HER CATS, THE ALIENS, OR GOD. IF YOU GET EASILY OFFENDED DO NOT READ FURTHER. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. ***








Jesus is an alien.

Please do not adjust your computer, I did indeed write that Jesus is an alien. I realized this today while Rob and I were in the car driving home from a Chinese buffet place which made Rob blow oats. But enough about Rob's internal workings - we're talking alien saviors here.

You laugh at my theory? Well, look at some of these excellent points:

1. Virgin birth: How do we explain this one? Well, you see Mary was human and she was a virgin at the time of Jesus's birth. However, she was abducted by aliens and impregnated by the aliens. Hence the virgin birth - no sex with a mortal man was needed.

2. Star of Bethlehem: On the night of Jesus's birth a new star appeared in the sky over the place where Jesus was born. This was the guiding light to all who would visit the little dude. Star my ass. It was the mothership lighting up the sky. Come all ye aliens...

3. First Miracle: Transforming water into wine. Well, under this theory Jesus was half alien and half human. Ever seen the series "Alien Nation"? In that series the aliens were deathly allergic to salt water. The ability to transform it into wine therefore must be a natural defense mechanism against the water.

4. Calming of the Seas: Jesus commanded the winds and the seas to be still. Weather control satellites. 'Nuff said.

5. Loaves and Fishes: Had some bread and fish - turned some into a metric ass ton. Ever seen "Star Trek"? They had machines which beamed food in out of nothingness. Seems like Jesus has a wee bit of alien technology.

6. Healing the Masses: Over the course of his "career" he healed, well, pretty much everything. Check out those nifty alien powers! After a long day of probing most aliens need to heal their "guests" so that they can walk and sit down once more. Therefore, aliens have a power to heal people - just like Jesus.

7. Lazarus: Aliens are very hard to kill. It takes A LOT to keep one down. Lazarus was also an alien and the whole death thing was faked. If not, then see number 6.

8. The Last Supper: You know the whole "eat my flesh, drink my blood" thing? Well, let's just say that aliens have a sick sense of humor.

9. Resurrection: Jesus came back from the dead - or did he? Everyone knows that aliens are hard to kill, and that when you try to kill one the smart ones fake death. Jesus faked death and when his friends came to look for him in the crypt he was long gone. You would be too if you didn't want an alien autopsy.

10. The Ascension: Jesus was taken body and soul into Heaven. Or maybe he was beamed back up to the mothership because his work here had been done.

11. The Assumption: Mary was also taken body and soul into Heaven. Hello? You think those aliens want a witness around? No way. She was also taken aboard the mothership so that she wouldn't let people know about the aliens.

So there you have it. Jesus was an alien. Well, actually half alien.