Sorry if yesterday's entry came off all depressing and the like, I didn't mean for it to. However, I've had some bad in my life recently where I wasn't expecting it, so I think my sour mood kind of swayed things a bit. I should learn not to take those questionnaires when something bad is happening in my life.

Anyway, I don't want you all to think I'm hating my life right now or anything - I'm not. I LOVE being a stay at home Mom to Gabriel, but I also NEED a job. Not only because of the financial aspects, but also becasue I worked so hard and for so long to obtain my JD and to pass two state bars on the first try. I don't want all that hard work to be for nothing. But in this economy, it's not easy finding anything, let alone a starting associate position.

While in general I'm happy with my life, I do have a lot of worries that are always there. Finding a job, money (though I'm sure everyone can understand that one), home life, etc. Nothing is perfect around here and while I'm trying to work to make things better, sometimes it feels fruitless.

I'm not going to go into the recent badness because I don't want to air my dirty laundry in public. All I'll say is it's some problems at home and leave it at that. Hopefully, it will all work itself out in the end.

I think part of it is realized I'm NOWHERE where I thought I would be at my age. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just a thing that is. I had expected to be working as an actor or a writer or a director in Hollywood. To be making a living and have at least one Oscar under my belt. I know, unrealistic, but I've always been a dreamer. Besides, I did go to an arts school and I do have a BFA in Cinema Television (filmic writing) from USC, so the dream could have been possible had things gone differently.

I never expected to be married and have a child and I NEVER thought I'd be doing the stay at home Mom thing for any time whatsoever. Things change, you adapt. It doesn't mean things are bad, it just means it's not what I had expected.

And now, because of the lack of employment, I'm kind of regretting the law school thing. I finally know my calling, what I want to be and what would make me happy - I want to work as a doctor in an emergency room, I want to be a trauma doctor. And I also know I will NEVER realize that dream. I can't afford to get another undergrad degree in bio and then head off to med school. Do I think I could succeed at it? Yes, absolutely. But I don't have the money for yet another degree. It's hard to come to terms with realizing what you're meant to do later in life and knowing it will never happen in this life time. So I'm kind of dealing with that as well.

I'm not in a depressive funk or anything like that. I love my family and Gabriel is the light of my life. Now that I'm off the steroids I'm slowly losing some of the weight. It's slow, but it's happening. I have plenty of things that make my life wonderful, and I'm thankful for each and every one of them. But I can't just sweep the bad things under the rug and ignore them, that's just not healthy. So, I'm trying to take the bad with the good and process it all.

I think I'm just at a very self-reflective time in my life right now, that's all.

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You Are a Lava Lamp

You are dreamy, relaxed, and contemplative. You like to get lost inside your own head. You never know where your thoughts will take you, and you consider reflection to be a wild ride. You're happy to sit and be alone for long periods of time. You only do well with others who are like minded. You appreciate other peaceful, creative types. Great things can come when great minds get together.

Are You a Lava Lamp or a Disco Ball?