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Since I do not believe in new year's resolutions for me, I've decided to create a few for the rest of the world. So, take a deep breath, clench your jaw, and prepare to comply.
1. No more checks. No. More. Fucking. Checks. You will not pay for groceries, liquor, office supplies or other sundries with checks, especially when I am waiting in line behind you. You will not get to the cashier, hand over all your items to be purchased and then act surprised that you ACTUALLY NEED TO PAY FOR THE THINGS YOU’RE BUYING. You may still pay the newspaper delivery guy with a check, but only as long as I never have to know about it.
2. Turn signals. Use them. More than 2 inches before the turn and prior to stomping on your brakes. No exceptions. I don’t care if your favorite song is on the radio, your broker has just called to tell you that that tilapia farm in Mexico you invested in has gone belly up, or if your girlfriend/boyfriend has their hand down your pants, use the damn turn signal. (Corollary: shut it off when you’ve made the turn if the damn thing doesn’t click off by itself.)
3. Rearview mirror. NOT to be used as a make-up mirror, whatever your gender or make-up preferences. Those of you applying mascara in the rearview mirror WILL lose an eye.
4. Appointments and meetings. Be there on time, or let me know ahead of time you’re running late (similar in spirit to the turn signal resolution, do so more than 2 minutes before the appointment/meeting). This applies to everyone, doctors included. Other professions figure out how to manage their schedules, even those in which emergencies arise, so you can too.
5. Customer service. Provide direct access to human beings that does not involve having to understand the Hegelian dialectic to get through the phone menu. I don’t care if these humans are located in India or Sumatra or Kansas, as long as they can fix whatever problem your company has created.
Mean-spirited, you say? Not exactly random acts of kindness, you opine? Unfairly weighted toward the driving public, you state? I must have missed one – no more pissing and moaning about things you can’t control. Stop your whining and just suck it up.
Oh, and Happy New Year.
1. No more checks. No. More. Fucking. Checks. You will not pay for groceries, liquor, office supplies or other sundries with checks, especially when I am waiting in line behind you. You will not get to the cashier, hand over all your items to be purchased and then act surprised that you ACTUALLY NEED TO PAY FOR THE THINGS YOU’RE BUYING. You may still pay the newspaper delivery guy with a check, but only as long as I never have to know about it.
2. Turn signals. Use them. More than 2 inches before the turn and prior to stomping on your brakes. No exceptions. I don’t care if your favorite song is on the radio, your broker has just called to tell you that that tilapia farm in Mexico you invested in has gone belly up, or if your girlfriend/boyfriend has their hand down your pants, use the damn turn signal. (Corollary: shut it off when you’ve made the turn if the damn thing doesn’t click off by itself.)
3. Rearview mirror. NOT to be used as a make-up mirror, whatever your gender or make-up preferences. Those of you applying mascara in the rearview mirror WILL lose an eye.
4. Appointments and meetings. Be there on time, or let me know ahead of time you’re running late (similar in spirit to the turn signal resolution, do so more than 2 minutes before the appointment/meeting). This applies to everyone, doctors included. Other professions figure out how to manage their schedules, even those in which emergencies arise, so you can too.
5. Customer service. Provide direct access to human beings that does not involve having to understand the Hegelian dialectic to get through the phone menu. I don’t care if these humans are located in India or Sumatra or Kansas, as long as they can fix whatever problem your company has created.
Mean-spirited, you say? Not exactly random acts of kindness, you opine? Unfairly weighted toward the driving public, you state? I must have missed one – no more pissing and moaning about things you can’t control. Stop your whining and just suck it up.
Oh, and Happy New Year.
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