Last year on vacation we rented a Volvo sedan. It was probably the least interesting, most bland car I’ve been in since my 1975 Pinto station wagon. While it was acceptable transportation, there was nothing to recommend it and a number of annoying “features” (such as a large hump behind the driver’s door that I hit every time I got into or out of the car) that limited its already limited appeal. This year I decided to try an Audi, a car we had looked at last time we were in car-buying mode. After the fiasco of owning a Mercedes for 7 years (horrendous quality, poor design, overtly hostile service personnel), I was reluctant to ever trust a German vehicle again. But the seduction of the A8 proved too great and rent one I did.

We showed up at the Hertz “prestige collection” rental counter and were awarded a beautiful silvery blue car. (Last year’s rental provided the best travel story I have ever heard – the twentysomething pair of guys ahead of me in line tried to return their minivan with no battery.) I pushed the button that appeared to open the trunk, but did not hear the satisfying click that should have occurred. Thinking perhaps I had mistaken the button with the German symbol for “do nothing” I tried the unlock button and received the same silent treatment. Reasoning that perhaps the car didn’t want the buttons used until it had been started, I turned the key (one of the switchblade types that aren’t allowed on planes) and received a rapid series of headlight blinks accompanied by the highly recognizable clicks that signify a dead battery.

After informing the friendly Hertz people of the death, they replaced the car with a clone and we were on our way. We finally figured out the navigation controls (why do car makers insist on their own proprietary standards for the car’s user interface making it incredibly difficult to switch from one vehicle to another?) and we set a course for Big Sur. As we were leaving the airport, the navigation mistress told us “In one quarter mile turn left.” She said this in a reasonable, informative tone of voice. It was however, a wrong turn. As we proceeded straight, she persisted. “Turn left now.” She grew increasingly agitated. “TURN LEFT NOW! I TOLD YOU TO TURN LEFT NOW DAMMIT YOU FUCKING AMERICAN IDIOTS!” Although that last bit is a mild exaggeration, you could tell from her frosty timbre it’s what she really wanted to say. Needless to say, we muted the Nazi bitch voice for the remainder of the trip. One can only wonder what a visualization of Eva von Audi
would look like.