This entry has taken me a long time to write. At least to write in a way that is not pathetic or (too) angry or desperate. I’m still not certain I’m there, but here goes.

After almost 23 years with my company, my job has been eliminated. There is a tremendous amount of background that led to this, most of which is excruciatingly tedious even to me, and a whole mélange of emotions that have been stewing ever since my (rat bastard) ex-boss [RBEB] gave me the news. So here’s the short story version of the stages of grieving I’ve gone through since then:

Denial – This didn’t even come to rest in my consciousness. Perhaps because I had thought this was inevitable for the past few months. Although my ever-trusty sub-conscious had something else to say about that – the night after I found out, I dreamed that a prior boss was going to get me my job back and while doing so he kept calling the RBEB “That Boy”, with a distinct sneer in his voice.

Anger – flashes of this are lurking in the rarely-cleaned corners of my brain, ugly brown snaggleteeth ready to rip into the soft flesh of the mewling Acceptance phase. Anger may be only the bronze medalist in the Deadly Sins Olympics (Pride and Envy earn the gold and silver, respectively), but there is no wonder Satan himself is the demon associated with this emotion.

Frustration – at knowing that I will (probably) never again have this kind of tenure with any organization. At the uncertainty of what will be next. At the difficulty of balancing the needs of my family with my desire to do something completely new and different.

Bargaining – there is probably a minor devil out there to whom I could sell my soul so that a few very bad things could befall the RBEB. Just things like toxic mold behind every wall of his house, rendering it uninhabitable and uncovered by insurance. Perhaps a couple of really big lawsuits that cannot be settled out of court and require public disclosure of certain practices he’d prefer to keep private. Maybe an affair or two on the part of his wife. With the CEO of a competing company. Preferably a female CEO. And her German Shepherd. But that would just be wrong, wouldn’t it?

Acceptance/Adaptation – Breathe deeply. Feel the power of the future. Everything happens for a reason. The dinosaurs didn’t adapt, and look what happened to them. But cockroaches did, so there you have it. Become a disgusting insect or die. I don’t think I quite have this phase down yet.