This was to be an attempt at education sans snark but that ain’t going to happen, and I apologize –somewhat – for my tone in advance. I'm breaking it up into three or four parts, as it is about 14 pages, and I don't want you going nuts trying to read it all. So it's a mini-series!

The title hints at snarkiness and I guess it’s inevitable because I just cannot avoid some sarcasm here. Truly, I wish there were a way to accommodate a meeting of minds, an explanation of How Things Work that didn’t leave me feeling exhausted. Maybe there’s someone out there who can translate/filter my snarkiness and snide tone because I feel that what I have to say here is truly valuable but having just spent mnths (and months and months) dealing with a lot of clueless people, and at times, people who seemed to prefer not knowing things to being educated, well, snark happens. It bothers me that some people will simply never understand the convention thing. And that those who DO understand it of course, don’t need to hear this while those who don’t, don’t care what I think or what advice I have to offer to them on how to make their convention experience a good one, how not to piss of the convention runners, how to get WTF a convention is.

So I saved this to post until post-LCC even though I wrote most of it during the last month or so of planning that convention.

So specifically. Do NOT SAY “I have to be on a panel.”
No, you don’t. You do not HAVE TO be on a panel to use your appearance at the convention as a publicity expense for tax purposes. No this is not a tax expert telling you this, so go pay a tax expert to do your taxes. S/he will know this stuff. By going to a convention, you are appearing and by appearing you are doing publicity. Every time you say “hi, how are you” you are promoting yourself and your work. No one will audit you and demand to see the program book with your panel, nor will that matter.

This is an especially inconsiderate thing to say to a convention volunteer, I believe, since volunteers do not get those tax breaks. I don’t get to write this off on MY taxes. If you itemize, you can take off charitable work and mileage and crap. I don’t itemize. If you will forgive my involving you a bit in my private life, consider this: I MAKE SO LITTLE money on SSDI, (Social Security Disability) that itemizing is impossible. I am beneath notice because of my low income status. I pay for my conventions (except when my expenses are paid by the convention either as a guest or because I’m promoting the convention and otherwise could not attend.) I pay for my meals and hotel room and whatever else as does every person on the committee. Is it polite to say “I want my tax write-off” to the people who – and I’m gonna say this ‘til it sinks in – ARE VOLUNTARILY WORKING to provide you with a convention? No, it’s not.

You also do not HAVE to be on a panel to make an impression. See above. Every interaction is an opportunity. I can, in fact, point to times where that sort of casual conversation led to book sales. Yep. I can provide anecdotal evidence that I bought a damn book because of it and I have heard it from others. BE at the convention. TALK to people. ASK them ‘what’s that you’re reading” or “how was that panel you just came from? “ or “what’s that pin you’re wearing?” or just have a damn conversation with someone and you will promote yourself, your work and your latent. And you have all weekend to do it. I spent lots of conversation time at LCC talking about authors who charm, authors who are interesting, authors who make you want to listen to them. That’s how to sell your damn books, bubbeleh. Be nice, charm, show interest in someone else.

Understand please that it is NOT the program organizer’s job to see to it that you get promotional opportunities. That is NOT the convention’s purpose NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK OR DESIRE so DO NOT lecture the volunteer organizers. It is YOUR purpose and we understand that, and offer a gazillion chances for you to do it from programs and signings to social gatherings and auctions to mixers and teas and dealer’s rooms signings and receptions. The convention is for the entire mystery community at the convention, not FOR AUTHORS TO PROMOTE themselves. It’s even written into the LCC bylaws if you want to go look. You want to do nothing but sign and smile and get your photo taken? Become Shania Twain. This is a convention and it’s about books and a genre. We’re ALL here to talk. If you think we would put conventions on if their main purpose was to offer writers promotional opportunities. THINK AGAIN. What the fun is that?

If you feel that you HAVE TO be on a panel, it won’t help to threaten. By this I mean do NOT say “if I’m not going to be on program, I’m not going to come”. Because that doesn’t CHANGE ANYTHING. We understand it costs to go to conventions. We fans pay the same amounts for membership, hotels and airfare that writers do. We invest our time and energy too. YES it’s fun for us and work for you. If it is not ALSO fun for you, then you should reconsider attending conventions because your attitude will show. If you hate going, don’t want to be there, don’t want to mingle and socialize with the several hundred writers and readers, then you need to deal with that. It needs to be fun for you too. We know you want to sell books, we get that. We can’t make the panels any better, work any harder, or faster knowing that. As a moderator, I work my ass off to make you sound good on a panel; all moderators do. Saying “I’ll cancel” will not help stir anyone toward putting you on program. That’s mild blackmail. It’s bullying. It will not change the facts that we don’t have space for you, we didn’t hear back from you (or evil monkeys ate your form) (evil monkeys are the explanation my ISP guy used to give me for server problems. Now, any inexplicable failure especially of the internet get put down to evil monkeys.) (Timmy the Thinkgeek monkey is NOT an evil monkey).

But think. Why would you say that? Do you think it works and that the program person can produce magic? That any one person – I’m sorry but really honest think about it – ANY one person’s attendance at a convention will make or break it? If all you are going for is that 50 minutes on the dais, rethink it, would you? And really think how it sounds to say “If iI don’t get this, I won’t attend.” I have heard this before. My response is “you’ll miss a good convention” because there is NOTHING else I can say. I can’t produce magic – and of course, I’m not exactly inclined to if you are rude. NOT that that counts against you – you get MY BEST EFFORTS whether you are polite or rude, my friend or a stranger. Because what matters is that the people coming get the best possible convention. But it’s your loss – and it might just be something that doesn’t get forgotten. There is, that I know of, NO black list of authors for conventions; (and if there were, I think I’d know about it) but your behavior might be noted down the line. This is not going to work, pure and simple. If you won’t come because you aren’t on a panel, then I hope you’re a really good writer who’s been at it for a while, who’s contributed to the field in other ways and who is really well liked by the majority of readers and other writers in the field – because ONLY THEN will you make it to convention guest of honor status where you’re pretty much guaranteed a program slot. Otherwise please don’t try this, it simply won’t work and there’s no reason it should. You were not left out deliberately, you were not ignored. We did our damndest.

B) “Without authors, there’s no program.”

Do NOT say this to a fan, a reader, especially do not say this (as someone did a few weeks before LCC) to someone spending all her free time organizing a convention. Do not hector, do not lecture, do not say things that make you come across as superior and Important.

Without fans, there are no authors. Without fans who run conventions, there are no conventions. Of COURSE we value you authors, dear GODS. If we didn’t, none of us would be spending time putting together a convention! Why is that so hard to see? YES, this is for the fans. AND THE AUTHORS. Yes, I hope to see my fan friends – oh I hope so – AND some authors. And get books signed, yes please. But I am not pleased. NO, I am OFFENDED when I am told, here again, that “authors take precedence over readers.” No, they don’t. Not here they don’t. They are equal. Fans get to be on program too – at least HERE. Because while many authors read in the genre, many don’t. they’re too busy – god knows. Some authors I know don’t want to be influenced by what they read when they’re working. Some just need a breather and read other genres, or non-fiction or the newspaper or their kid’s math textbook. Some are working on the manuscript of book, copyediting the galleys of the book, touring, signing, maybe having a day job. See, we get this. We know. But it’s not up to the fans to carry the convention by being moderators, which is what I’ve heard from some authors – “sure fans can participate in the panels, why don’t they moderate them all?” This implies that fans get to do the hardest work and want to (I like moderating. But ask anyone, it’s work. It’s prep and it’s thinking ahead and planning and organizing) and a discussion of mystery is not just a discussion of “what I wrote.” I’m not the only person who will tell you that the #1 complaint about con programs is “there were four talking heads and all it was was “my book this and my book that”. Fans know things; we can discuss the importance of dialogue and who writes great setting and what the appeal of historical mystery is and why we laugh at murder and what makes thrillers so exciting JUST LIKE WRITERS CAN. At times, maybe more because some of us read 40, 100, 200 mysteries a year.

Without authors, there would be no convention. Fuckin’ A. Without readers there would be no convention either. Think. Who runs them? Who makes up the organizing committees? Who makes up 2/3 of the attendance? Hello! Without you there is no us; without us there is no you. Okay. WE GET IT. WE have never NOT gotten it. I never went to that Trek con to meet Isaac Asimov; I was stunned, thrilled, delighted when I did. I came home from the damn thing and spent my last – literally – my last 3 bucks on a copy of Dangerous Visions because I had just heard Harlan Ellison read a story which knocked my cute little socks off. I called home and breathed at mom that I’d met Asimov. Asimov. Dear gods. I LOVE YOU GUYS. ALL OF YOU make up my world. Do not tell me who matters more.

If you want to attend a convention where writers are given preference ,I suggest you ask in advance if the convention has a policy to give writers priority. There have been a few cons that promise writers program slots, though I haven’t seen that in a few years. Some folks seem to believe it, or assume it. I disapprove of any special treatment and am up front in saying that fans are welcome on program and not just as moderators. I was recently told that there were complaints “out there” that I gave preference to fans on program”. I found this laughable as well as flat out wrong (and no one could find said complaints when I asked around.). I then counted up of the 160 or so slots at the time, there were TWELVE fan panelists.. Not knowing who said this based on what, I wonder if what someone thinking “I don’t recognize this person, they must be a fan”. And there was NO preference. As I said from day one, the only people guaranteed program are the honored guests of the convention (at that time five people: Dennis, Gayle, Kara, Diane and Gary). That is IT. All else depends on how quickly you respond to me and what your choices are and what the mix is of panelists

In some cases, as I told folks later, authors either had the bad luck of choosing five VERY popular panels or five totally UNpopular panels or a mix of both. When you have a panel for 5 people (4 panelists and a moderator) and FIFTY people want to be on it, what do you do? If you just take the first five, those might be the same first five on other panels. If I’m doing any kind of decent job, the panel has to be a mix of people with different points of view and experience. Otherwise it’s back to “just throw the names anywhere.” And hope that these five people have something to say. YUCH. Waste of time. You don’t need a program person for that, just a dartboard.