So there’s this friend Stu and I have. This person has been Stu’s friend for a really long time, and I’ve known her for years but I wouldn’t say we’re ery close. There are lots of things that we like about her – she’s smart, good at conversation, we get the same reference snd jokes, you know, a friend, right? She has, in fact, done at least two mega-thoughtful (and funny) things for me in the past, remembering an off-hand comment I made about something I liked and finding it for me or providing it for me at a convention. (ask me about The Sword in the Halvah).

Except that twice (at least, maybe it’s three times) this friend has visited the area and expected not only that we would drop everything to see her, but does not seem to comprehend why you don’t just call at the last minute and say “Gee, I was expecting to see you here and there. You weren’t there. So what are you doing in 20 minutes?”

The first time, I thought it weird. I mean we all have email right? We also have this thing called a telephone and even when long distance was costly, one quick call that said “Let’s get together for dinner when I am in town next month” would have been a good idea. OR a call when she was actually in town, as apparently she had been (the first time) for a week or so. She comes to attend a convention that we like but haven’t been to for a while. Why? Well, a few years ago we were so broke we could not justify it. Even now that things are better, it’s at this rough time of year and I am not sure that I could go without exhausting myself. And I’m not that into sf conventions any more. They are still Stu’s favorite and yeah, we would like to go more but it’s just not been easy. But if you thought we were going and you checked the list of attendees and didn’t see our names well there was another hint that maybe you might want to call or email us a few weeks out. (And yes, I plan to be at Potlatch so if you’d like to, let’s get together) (and I think I’m going to LCC in Denver. Still debating).

And I guess I find I rude when someone calls at the last minute to say “hey let’s do something.” Maybe I’m over reacting but it implies you are without your own entertainments. It implies you’re sitting around waiting for a phone call – not really but there is that “what? You don’t have a date for Friday night?” knee jerk reaction I guess. More to the point, we’re not 25 any more and we often can’t just get up at the last second and go do stuff. There’s work. There’s errands to run. There’s how you’re feeling. There’s obligations. And we’re tireder than we used to be and when at one time maybe we could up and go out for dinner, nowadays, that’s not always true. And Stu gets home during the week some time after 7 pm after a three-bus, two plus hour commute. Dinner during the week is not a grand idea.

So last year, Stu and I whined at each other about this person. We disliked the fact that for some reason, she though we should know she was coming to town (why? She hadn’t told us.) and we disliked being contacted at the very last possible minute to see her (she was leaving the nex morning.)

We tend to try to explain over and over and over again to people that I especially cannot do stuff at the last minute. It’s a bit psychological, but mostly physical. Everything tires me. Everything takes planning. I cannot up and do stuff the same day. I just can’t.

So when this friend did it again, we were more than a little flabbergasted. We had heard she would be in town, but not from her, but from a mutual acquaintance. We had no way of knowing, didn’t I now where she was staying, never heard from her. Then a couple days ago Stu found out she was around and wondered again, why this long time friend had not been in touch. There were a couple social activities going on where if he’d gone, he might have seen her but with the weather this weekend, and the fact that again, one of the social activities took place before we heard about it, he didn’t go. There was no way I could have gone. We had snow yesterday, and a bit more today and pelting rain, ice and slush all over and I’m not moving. What am I CRAZY? Andi stay put. Maybe until April.

This friend also travels in a way I can’t comprehend because I’m unable to be so carefree in my planning. Yeah, in my 20s and even later, I went places without having a reservation. Not often, I admit, but I had a car, and if all else failed, I could sleep in my car. I have friends who’ve gone to England without b&b or hotel reservations and I’m stunned at that. I think once I could have, but not in the last 20 years. I need a bed, a real bed and cannot risk being out there in the cold. This friend doesn’t do that, often visiting and just assuming someone will give her a room and a ride TO the room. I’ve been in other cities where this has happened. And they do. People are generous, they like her, and lots of them have space. I don’t get doing that. I don’t get assuming that way. Hey, I’m the uptight one who tries to book dinner at conventions weeks ahead because I HATE going to some con and no getting time with some people I don’t see often. Sometimes over-organizing is the only way.

Yeah, my first or second Trek con we did 7 9or was it 9) in a hotel room. Yeah, that year I went to hear Baez at that outdoor arena in Massachusetts I had no motel room and crashed in a student dorm near Tanglewood thanks to a woman I met there. And yeah, I used to stay up at convention room parties until 3 am laughing til it hurt. But I’m 54. Things change.

I’m 54 and for at least 20 years, I’ve had a hard time being spontaneous. I think most people get that about me. Or they learn it. I would think it’s a tad obvious, but if you haven’t been around me a lot, if you live somewhere far away and you haven’t seen me in a year or two, okay you might not know. But maybe I assume people talk about me, just the way this friend assumes we know her travel plans.

So a short time ago, the friend called. She wondered if she could come over and we could have dinner tonight After Stu ended the call I freaked at the idea saying “what we’d have to make dinner TOO?” No, we would go out. Okay. Except that it was already Sunday EVENING. The weather is frightful (do you have a fire? I hope it’s delightful!) Maybe we already ATE. In fact,, this weekend is one of our anniversaries (the move in together anniversary. Nineteen years this weekend.) so maybe we HAD plans (we would probably have gone out today if it hadn’t rained/snowed/sleeted/mushed/been icky.) You don’t do that. You don’t do it TWICE.

I’m so upset because dammit this is a really cool person whose company is worth having but I believe she treats me and Stu especially as one of her oldest friends badly. I don’t get why she can’t plan ahead a little. She seems not to hear what she doesn’t want to hear. We’ve said “don’t call at the last minute we can’t cope.” We have said “why don’t you get in touch I advance.” (and nicely because it’s been Stu who is way nicer than I am). We’ve explained about the walking and the scooter and the level of pain, disability and discomfort and how I need to rev up for stuff. But here we are again, an hour or so before dinner time getting a phone call because we weren’t where we were supposed to be – although we, er, didn’t get the memo.

So do I write her an email explaining? Will she get it? Can I write it without this whiny snotty tone in my voice? If not, should I do it anyway? Do you think she’ll get