Attending Bouchercon, the World Mystery Convention, is, while not quite an annual rite for me, it is always something to look forward to, to attend. It's a weekend full of joy for me because it's a gathernig of people I like and admire. Like a good s.f. convention, it's full of conversation, laughing, catching up with people. It's a family reunion without the weird uncles. I guess. I haven't ever been to a family reunion, but I had a friend once who attended one held n Branson Missoiri. That her family chose Branson told me more than I wanted to know.
Speaking of "more than you want to know" this blog post might be. If you think it's too personal of me to discuss finances and money and real personal stuff y'know , you probably won't want to read on.

As the year continued its inexorable grind toward autumn (eu! what a bad image), I started wondering if this year I'd make it to Bcon. I had not gone when it was in Baltimore (too far too fly even if I consider Guest of Honor Laura Lippman to be my good friend), and I missed Anchorage, a place I wanted to return to. I really started aching to go to Bcon in Indianapolis. When it became clear that some of my writer friends were not going to be in Seattle on tour this year, it becane a stronger pull because I cherish SO MUCH the time I get when Shira or Laura don't get to the left coast. Real conversation, more than what is often "hey howareya? I gotta do this thing then maybe we can...ooops, i'm late" convention frienship. Prior to 2007, I was going to conventions not only because I wanted to, but because I was chairing Left Coast Crime in that year and selling membershps, talking to people, there is real organzing value in gong to aother convetnions. And I could get reimbursed for the trip because I really did conduct serious business. One huge reason, for example, to attend the Chicago Bouchercon was that I'd planned to have breakfast with Denns and Gayle Lynds - LCC's guests of honor and Dennis's death only a few weeks earlier had shaken all of us. I wanted to be there for Gayle, and talk to her about what LCC could and should do. There were some great moments for me at LCC including lunch with a very special friend, hanging out with roommate, my wonderful friend Cornelia Read. Reconnecting with Melodie Johnson Howe, who was a good friend if Dennis's. When Asked if we could repritnt he comments from the memorial service, Melodie simly handed over the sheets of paper.
So I'll spare you how I got the last room in the hotel, and got my membership only after checking cancellation policies and got a roommate incase Stu could not go and well anyway.

It gets a bit personal here so hang on. Stu did not seem at all enthusiastic about going but said he would. But I delayed and delayed making reservations. Some of it was the clear conflict I had about spending the money, balanced y "but it's my favorite and it's fun and I haven't been in three years.!" Ambiguity Central.

We finally started air fare shopping and realized it was insane to even think about flying to Bcon. I mean that looked great, that fare, til you realized that was one-way. It wasn't going to happen. All this manipulation - including getting an extra hotel night so maybe I could unwind a bit before the con began and to get a cheaper flight. I very childishly cried and cried and pouted realizing that$150 for membership, $700 for airfare, about that for hotel, then the issues of food and getting to and from the airport which still required a couple of hours to research (because it's NEVER simple when you use a wheelchair). Think about how you get from the airport to a hotel. Now try it in a power chair. Something that can't be easily lifted, can't be tipped over and crammed into a van, that is the most expensive and important thing I own by far and which I now MUST MUST use. I can't rent a scooter and renting a power chair is nonsense as they are not "off the rack". It's because clearly that i need the chair every time I do anything, except run errands to the grocery store or drug store) and it seemed insanely stupid. I wasn't sure I could split the hotel costs, since I could not reach the person i as supposed to be rooming with to find out if she had decided to attend, but it was clearly adding up to between $1000 and $2000. Which I cannot write off, and for which I would not be reimbursed because I'm no longer interested in or able to chair a convention.

Okay, you with me? Tthis amount is the equivalent to one to two months' income for me. I "make" a little over $1000/month on SSDI, Social Security Disability. I am in debt because well, when I went on disability I had been using credit cards as if I would always have a job and would pay them off Of course. Doesn't everyone? *SIGH*.

There was also the tough HUGE realization that even if money were not such a factor - which is pretty silly, because it is - i had to look at flying and airports, layovers and flight times. Getting to the airport X hours ahead, sitting on a plane, transferring planes (direct flight? Remember those? Not between Seattle and Indianapolis) and dealing with getting to my hotel room. Not to mention the concern few people deal with - is the plane's luggage compartment large enough for my wheelchair to be stored? Yes it goes i a special section at the front of the aircraft, like a baby stroller so it can be safely stored and brought up right away when we land (right away being a relative term. I am usually the last person to actually get to luggage claim as i have to wait. And wait. And wait. And even with Spiffy Wheelchair, I get tired and i hurt and I pay the price the next day. (and remember, I function on 3 doses of oxycontin daily. Most people don't quite realize that. They don't get that it's a drug we use to function out in the world.) And I have to invest hours and hours of time into talking with people (even if I book the fare on line, I have to then call the airline about dealing with the chair in a small plane. Getting a seat for a disabled person (I never ever used to use the airplane chairs - I think I need to now, the skinny things to transfer from.) and have Stu next to me. Charging on 2 credit cards.

YOU, you relatively normal folks, you have no idea. I am begun to envy you that you can book a flight on line, gook a hotel room on line, get to the airport easily and know that at the other end, you can get to the hotel without wondering if lifts are working, if ramps exist, if storage is adequate, if I have to pay a friggin premium for a seat (no I will not - that is an ADA issue - you should see the x-rays) on the aisle....sorry but I'm jealous.
Years ago, when I was a bit more mobile, a friend asked if i were attending a particular convention. I said I didn't know - time and money. She asked if the money were no object, would I attend. I said "yeah, because this might be my only chance to see this place." A couple weeks later (days? ) I was invited to attend Left Coast Crime in Anchorage as their Fan Guest of Honor.

Eight years later, I don't know how to answer that question. I've deteriorated. Sitting is a problem, even comfy sitting. Money, while OKAY isn't great. Rumors are that there will be no cost -of-living increase next year for millions of us on Social Security.

Last night, after a few hours researching cheaper fares, talking to my best friend, emailing friends who made me feel so loved by being excited that i was coming to Bouchercon, I had this long long long talk with Stu about everything. And he brought up the grown-up issue that we should not go because we should not spend the money. But, he said, you have so few pleasures, I want you to have this. Don't I said. I can't handle it if you feel sorry for me. Sympathy makes me so weak. I can't deal with it. I said "here's what I'll do. I'll sleep on it."

Sleeping changed nothing. The adult, mature, grown-up voices in our heads know that this is not to be. I don't know how to travel with the chair. I don't know how to weigh the impact of 6 to 8 to 10 hours in airports and airplanes. I know how just doing something here in Seattle that involves a bus or cab, several hours sitting affects me. And that's working on the "everything will run smoothly" assumption. Stu gets stressed too and we have to think about things like blood pressure, diabetes, stress.

I said to Stu last night "I'm GOING next year. I am GOING to Left Coast and Bouchercon." He said rather plaintively that he wasn't arguing the point. I knew that. I just wanted it out there. Both are in California - a cheap flight and a shorter one.

Those of you who read me on Facebook know that I broke down yesterday because i just ran out. The death of Mary Travers was so depressing. Trying to deal with limitations has been a BIG item on the agenda. And losing the opportunity to attend Bcon, even though YES, Cornelia was right there were cheaper fares but using little planes at times which meant booking a flight and then finding out maybe that the chair would not fit OR spending time on the phone with the airline (I'd already spent time on the phone with TWO credit card companies that day for 2 different reasons.) But yeah, you basically have to buy your airline ticket and only THEN can you find out if it will work for you to fly. Same with getting a "handicapped-access" room. You STILL have to call even if you book on line because they don't always give you the option of an ADA room and I MUST know that they saw that part of the reservation AND that there is such a room available on those dates. They call it a "request". It's not. It's demoand because otherwise, I can't use your friggin hotel. You can't just put it down as on the same level s"prefers a lower floor (I do but...) I just can't do it. I want it all done. I should have had it all done weeks ago. Ambiguity central. i stalled. I debated and I did not cope.

I'm different. I'm time-consuming. I am a pain in the ass. And I am not going to Bouchercon. And I love you guys, you who've written to suport me, you whol've tolkd e you would miss me and you who came over yesterday and made a bad day SO damn much better.

I will miss you SO VERY MUCH. And I'm not feeling very grown-up at the moment.