I "risked" attending Left Coast Crime last weekend. In many ways, LCC is home base for me. I chaired it twice and was fan Guest of Honor once. It was not far (Portland, Oregon - a 4 hour train trip from Seattle). It is the first time I've gone out of town since that last Jeopardy contestant event in Sacramento (when WAS that, Robin Burcell?) and my first convention in a while. My first LCC since 2012.

It was the wrong thing to do. NOT anything I expected to think or I would not have risked it. I thought, for sure, it would be a good experience.

Before I go on for too long, I want to thank and acknowledge how many people brought many many good things to the time I was there. I got to sit down with some of the people I most ilke in mystery fandom - people I would not have met without that community. I got to see friends and spend time talking with Kate Derie, Chris Aldrich, the lovely Jay Margulies (one of the guests of honor in his role as - founder? - of Friends of Mystery). I got to talk a little with many people, many of whom were busy and tired but took time for me like Sharan Newman and the lovely Tim Hallinan (Guest of Honor), Steven Saylor, and Janet Dawson. I got a couple of hours with Kate Yule and David Levine - yay! I moderated a panel that seemed to go very well. I got some time with Rob Lopresti and Terri Weiner. I caught up a little with Bryan Barrett. i got hugs from lots of friends. Never caught up with the lovely Gar Haywood. Ditto Leslie Budewitz. Oh, I could namedrop for a while longer. Oh let me. I met the amazing adorable Catriona McPherson. I got to chat at the last moment with the charming Barbara Fradkin - gods, I am so glad she stopped to talk with me. Caught up with Parnell Hall for a little time. Saw Terry Shames, the very very busy. I spent a little time talking with the so nice John Maddox Roberts.

I also had to tell at least five people about Stu's death. That wasn't awful, but it was hard. I also have been dealing with an intestinal something that is clearly more than stress but I am still feeling healthy and okay. I was also dealing with a late last minute shoulder issue which is a little freaky. And YES, I DID move my appointment of next week to this week to consult with my doctor about all this ick.

Hanging out in my room was escape, nothing more. I slept and read - hell, I can do that here, but I really had thought and hoped I'd be in a better frame of mind. I got up to the room every evening and never went back down. The bar was crowded with furniture and had several of those fucking high tables with stools that people like me cannot deal with. There was lots of space to hang out in but I had trouble hanging out. I skipped the banquet Saturday. I am not a fan of banquets, or awards, though I know it would have been nice to spend some time eating and chatting. Probably. Instead I slept a lot.

Thanks by the way to John, Peg, Ken and Russell for that panel. I'd do it again in a flash. However...

I am pretty sure that I'm done with program/panels. As enjoyable as they are, as good as they make me feel, I am so sick to freaking death of ramp and wheelchair issues. I lack the patience. I suspect that it is gone forever. This was one too many times that the hotel ignored very specific instructions. I'm too sensitive. I don't care. I'm done with being separated from my panelists and from being the center of attention for all the wrong fucking reasons.

The image of this event is sort of a big empty white space, but with great big glittery, shiny pretty dots to be connected with a great big rainbow pen. the good was very good, believe me. But the bad and empty and tedious was all that. I tried too soon. I realized by Friday evening that this was the case. I would've tried to book a return trip but I was filling in as moderator for a program on Saturday afternoon and I really wanted to have that discussion - all about character - so I stayed. And no, I doubt time will change anything. I don't think in balance or retrospect things will alter. It just is. Nothing more. Now I do get to stay in bed and read.