How does one go about shopping for one?

I called my local police department but had to leave a message because evidently all of the officers are busy tracking down lost cats or something. I'm sure there's not much else that they're busy with in this town.

I really like this one. It says it is a 'professional model' which, of course swayed me. I'm easily swayable.

Later, during my investigation I came across this page and.....guess what? Yes, I was swayed again. But in a different direction. (I'm pretty flexible) Can you guess which one swayed me this time?

Bingo! The one with all of the stars! Of course!

That's just the way it works, isn't it? The one with the most stars wins? I mean, not only does it have the most stars at the top of the page, but as you scroll down the page it has the most there too. Obviously it is the best.

I don't even know why I'm waiting for the police sergeant to call me back.

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Why doesn't everything that I'm shopping for have stars? It would make my life so much easier.

And don't even start in about how the company that manufactures that particular model is the one who owns the website. Because that will just burst my consumer confidence balloon.

And you don't want to see that.

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So...if any of you out there have any breathalyzer buying tips - just send them this way.

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Why do I need a breathalyzer? Take a guess and I'll let you know if you're right.