Thankfully we only have General Elections in the UK once every 4-5 years. Democracy is served by this quaternal (or quinquennial) display of the unspeakable in pursuit of the improbable.

The British Public (usually referred to as "Great" by aspiring politicians, but in reality nothing of the sort) enjoys this sporting event with the enthusiasm of a sheep on its way to the slaughterhouse. We know that we are being deliberately misled, confused, and generally lied to by a bunch of folk whose only serious ambition is to preserve their membership of the best club in Britain and their inflated salaries, pensions and miscellaneous travel expense accounts.

I've lived through Churchill, Attlee, Churchill again, Eden, McMillan, Sir Alec Douglas Home (pronounced Hume), Wilson (who nearly ran me over in his prime ministerial Jaguar), Callaghan, Thatcher, Major, and now 8 years of Blair. The great (Churchill & Attlee), the good, the venal, the abysmal, and the incompetent - I will leave you to nominate which is which. Whoever I have voted for the result has been the same - things have got generally, and often spectacularly worse. Politicians are like some medaeval curse which is visited on generation after generation for some minor misdemenour which is past recalling.

Britain is now a place where pupils rape teachers, gangs of youths hack a Chinese shopkeeper to death and will probably get away with it and where in neither case the criminal perpetrators can be named because they are under age; where drugs, crime, binge drinking and antisocial behaviour reign virtually unchecked and where to go into hospital is to almost certainly run the risk of MRSA because they have forgotten how to clean and keep clean hospital wards and medical staff. The latter I know to my personal cost, although thankfully the SA in question was not totally MR otherwise this would be a posthumous contribution. In short it is a nightmare held together by god knows what bits of sticking plaster. Far from being a land fit for heroes, anyone who lives here deserves the title for just doing so.

In our own particular constituency we have the unedifying spectacle of being asked to vote for a sitting MP whose Nationalist Party condemns the war in Iraq whilst at the same time protesting about the merger of the Scottish Regiments and the demise of the Black Watch Regiment in particular. We have environmentalists who oppose wind farms and nuclear power, we have Liberal Dimocrats (I suppose) and we have Conservatives, those awfully nice people who brought us recessions (3), Poll Tax (1), Europe (1 but who needs more) and Interest Rates (15+%).

Voting at this election is like asking the victim with his head on the block whether, in the unlikely event he should survive, he would like eggs with his bacon or sausage.

Personally I am going to adopt an existentialist approach - the first politician to offer me a substantial bribe will get my vote, or alternatively I will close my eyes and stick a pin in something. Preferably a grenade.