i'll be (hopefully, or maybe hopefully not) going "home" the first of july. i'm torn, not really looking forward to it, but i kind of am. it's only "home" because my parents are there. i never felt like i fit in. my high school reunion (twenty-five...ugh) will be in oct. i considered going for that, but most of the people i hung out with in school either won't be there because they weren't really into school to begin with, or the others i hung out with are dead from aids. i care nothing about the girls and guys who wouldn't talk to me in school now suddenly acting like they "know" me. i did go to my fifth (tho i don't know why), and it was sickening. the only fun thing about it was my hair dresser friend (who went with me to the reunion) gussied me up real good and no one recognized me...lol...

anyway, so home i go this summer. i haven't been home in eight years. the whole time i lived there, hardly anything changed, now that i've been gone, a lot has changed.

it's a town that is resistent to change, but i guess capitalism (and wal mart) does eventually win out.

i think i need to buy another memory card for my camera. if i'm going to travel through the smokies, i want to take some pictures. plus, i'll have to take pictures of my family, my mom will insist, as she knows i have a digital camera, she'll want to send the pics out to other family members.

my oldest sister left home around nineteen and never looked back. she visits only about once every five years or more. when i first moved here, my mom started having a few more medical problems. she had them when i was there, and so did dad and i was the one who took care of them, and they especially turned to me because i was a nurse. anyway, after living here about a year, my middle sister (who's still there) wrote to me and the oldest and opened with "remember me? i'm the one left here to take care of mom and dad"

c was LIVID and chewed J out quite royally. I just reminded her that i took care of them for years. (while she was out on the lake in one of her two boats, buying new cars, traveling to vegas to gamble, to wyoming to vacation, divorcing, remarrying, divorcing and marrying someone else.)

the truth is, home depresses me. the only reason i'm going is because i know i have to. my 94 year old grandmother, tho in better shape than most her age(she still drives for god's sake)really won't be around for much longer and i haven't seen her in eight years, nor has she seen my son in just as long. my parents have been to visit here tho. but i truly have no friends there. none. something happens to those people. they live their lives there and each year they do, their mind grows smaller and smaller.

and except for the smokies, the rest of the landscape is boring and horrible, from tennessee, through arkansas (because we won't go through the northwest part where all the nice scenery is) all the way to oklahoma city (where my grandmother, and several aunts, uncles and cousins live).

the only thing i'm really looking forward to is Emmy's (german restaurant) sonic (cuz the one here is toooooo far away), maybe del rancho in ok city. But most of all, i'm looking forward to a fun-filled ride across two and a half states with z and cc.