There's a reason why there is something called a "waiter's corkscrew." It is strong, efficient, fool proof, ergonomic, powerful, and self-explanatory. Most importantly, it does the job, which is to quickly release a cork from a bottle of wine. This isn't rocket science. I believe it is called a waiter's corkscrew because waiters are busy people. Opening wine is just one of the 30+ duties they have in food service. Therefore, they want a device that works without failure. See below, example of a finely crafted waiter's corkscrew.




This whole discussion leads to what happened just a moment ago in the kitchen. I am condo sitting and am working with tools and implements not my own in there. I wish I'd brought along a few things from my house. Needless to say, this house lacks a decent waiter's corkscrew. There were two "corkscrews" I found in the utensil drawer. The first I broke and the other maimed me.

The first corkscrew was one of those rather primitive models with just the spiral metal thing and a handle. Step 1: You drive the spiral into the cork, Step 2: brace the bottle between your legs, and Step 3: pull hard with a slightly jarring and twisting motion. The cork supposedly inches upward and is release. Well, I got through step two without trouble, but as I began step three the spiral broke off into the cork.

Angered, I began looking for another tool that could do the job and I found this ridiculous thing:



The only question that comes to mind is "why"? Why would the wine consumption industry produce this...this...ugh??

Of course, it didn't do the job. It's like a clumsy metal accordian. The fish body extends and there is no way to wriggle the cork out because it lacks the very clever bottle lip anchor found on the waiter's corkscrew. As I was fiddling with it, the accordian thing collapsed, grabbing one of my fingers and practically drawing blood. Then, as I disengaged the spiral from the impacted cork, the fish lips chipped the edge of the glass bottle. And for some reason, the cork got wedged further down into the bottle.

So I am back to drinking boxed wine that Karen has in the cupboard. I was wondering why in the hell she has boxed wine. But I think I now know...