I've had little moods today and yesterday, all ranging in the mundane. But I've really be investigating them and trying find something suitably large. Perhaps pensive or frightened, exhausted, excited or worried. They would all fit.

Yesterday I went a vampire game and thought I should be feeling and anticipatory because there was a lot that could go wrong. And my character is supposed to be wiser than I am and it makes me nervous to play new characters, but I didn't really feel anything, not even the usual excitement to see some friends again. It was fun talking to them though, but mostly it felt like I was waiting for it to get over with.

Coming into work was tough cause I was rather tired last night, but I did it and now I'm waiting for a meeting to start where some of my work will be reviewed. I don't feel particularly nervous, though I probably should. We'll be doing the review in a group and my mouth has a tendancy to make sure that my work does not stay anonymous. But then I think I've got most of the Quality Team afraid of me.

The usual business of shopping and considering how to get everything done by Christmas Eve sorta has me feeling like I'll just float through it all and someone will let me know when it's over with.

And yesterday my mother told me that my father has cancer.

So I feel like I should feel something. But I don't. And it would irritate me, if I could feel irritation. But I'm just waiting. And I can't even pray, my inclination is taken away and such a motion would seem as empty and necessary as paying the rent on an apartment I'm not that thrilled with but I can't do much about.

Well, I'm pretty sure God would understand. At least I hope so, cause I don't.

I don't like feeling like this. I know that there is something going on way deep down, and it'll come out eventually. Usually these things come out when I don't want them to. I'm pretty sloppy when it comes to emotions so I try to keep them to myself, but that's not always and option. It feels like there is a barrier between me and my heart and while my heart is holding a parade of sorrow and tragedy my head is forcibly keeping me away from it.

Beauty is not something I keep a lot of within me, I'm pretty cynical when it comes down to it, but fortunately the world is too complex for me to easily live the life of a pessimist. But Beauty is something that I need right now.