look out ahead
see danger come
I want a pistol I want a gun
I'm scared baby I want to run
This world's crazy, give me the gun

Baby, Baby ain't it true
I'm immortal when I'm with you
but I want a pistol in my hand
I want to go to a different end

I met a man, he told me straight
"you gotta leave, it's getting late
too many cops, too many guns
all trying to do something no one else has done."
--Big Exit
--PJ Harvey

Threw my bad fortune off the top of/a tall building/I'd rather've done it with you/you're boy's smile/five in the morning/looked into your eyes and I was really in love
--Good Fortune
--PJ Harvey

speak to me of heroin and speed
of genocide and suicide,
of syphilis and greed
speak to me the language of love
the language of violence
the language of the heart
this isn't the first time I've asked for money or love
heaven and earth don't every really love
--The Whores Hustle and the Hustlers Whore
--PJ Harvey

speak, I'm listening
baby, I'm your sweet thing
baby, what I'm saying is
God's truth, I'm not lying
I lie steady. Rest your head on me.
I'll smooth it nicely.
Rub it better, till it Bleeds.
--Rub 'til it Bleeds
--PJ Harvey

I'll measure time, I'll measure height
I'll calculate my birthright
Good Lord, I'm big
I'm heading on, man-sized
got my leather boots on
got my girl, and she's the one
I cast my eyes and knickers down
man-sized, no need to shout
I'll let it all, let it all hang out.
--Man-Sized
--PJ Harvey

hey there, Luna/I'd like to tell ya/how sad am I/so lovesick/I could die/needing water/my neck's stiff/my head hurts/been looking up/all night/been looking up/she's so bright/she's so white/she's so clean/I'm telling you she's everything/I'd give it all/my sorry eyes/give just everything/she's got me so mesmerized
--Yuri-G
--PJ Harvey

*aaaahhh* that feels better. Just scratching an itch..

I have a ton of thoughts this morning and I can't seem to get them into anything resembling order.

I don't understand money.
Today is my dad's 76th birthday.
Radio Shack sucks.
Who the hell doesn't know who PJ Harvey is?!?
I seem to have forgotten how to operate a fax machine.
Do I come across as deep?
I hate stupid motherfuckers.
I have presents. Lots of presents.
and on and on...

This will be a rambling long boring thing, so if your stubborn enough this going to be some work.... If not, then this is your last chance to turn back! maybe...

Okey... I get the concept of money. I understand credit as an idea, though the institution boggles my mind slightly.

ARG! I just had to reboot my computer cause it slowed to a crawl and the RealJukeBox wasn't responding at all.

So. Money. At best I have enough that I don't have to think about it too much. But more likely (especially in the last month) spend my time wondering how to make what I have stretch till my next paycheck. Don't tell anyone, but a little while ago I was digging deeply into my savings and that was hurting. But that should be over with and as soon as the Smith Barney check comes in I should be able to turn things around a little bit. Or at least I can pay Molasses back.

But all the institutional details that come with moving money, credit, worth, value and otherwise the wherewithall of a person or company is just astounding. Money is a made up concept that we've all agreed to, like the time of day and the names of colors. We can disagree because there is no intrinsic thing within is us to force us to play along - concepts that do force us are things like gravity pulling us down, fire being hot and requiring sleep every so often.

But really, few of us want to disagree with such widely held concepts because the only way to thoroughly do so is to pull out of society completely, move to a compound in Nebraska or a kibbutz in Tehran and start hoarding as many weapons as possible. And since I'm against violence, I'm afraid that ain't gonna happen. Occasionally people do try and rebel, to throw off the shackles of society while still staying close to everyone, eventhough they can't or won't keep a job and never bathe. We call them crackpots.

But the other end of the spectrum - pushing money as an ideal, as a goal, as a way of life escapes me. It's a means to an end for me, which is, I think, how most people consider it. I like looking at big beautiful expensive things because they're nice. I don't really want them most of the time, but they are easy to appreciate, and since many of them have no other earthly use, enjoy them I do. Beautiful old fashioned cars, cars with electric or hybrid engines, huge gorgeous houses, houses overlooking the ocean, televisions with four foot screens, televisions or monitors with plasma screens, great big lovely costom-made dresses, zoot suits. yummy.

But I've got so many other wishes in my life I feel pretty secure in stating that I could probably spend a million dollars within a month. Of course, since one of the first things I would do is buy my mom a house, so maybe a million wouldn't be enough.

But seriously. I don't get stocks. I mean I know what they're for. I vaguely remember what the whole concept is a about from my high school economy class. I understand the price of a stock is directly related(ish) to the worth of the company. But... there is still something that defies "getting." But so long as everyone agrees that a stock is worth, say $30, then owning that stock means you have a potential for having $30. And thirty bucks is thirty bucks. It's a lobster with all the trimmings and a coke at Red Lobster. It's seven or eight comic books. It's the latest Neil Gaiman book, in hardcover. It's a broom, dustpan, trash hamper and a box of trash bags. But those things, the ones that are physical and can actually be put to use aren't "worth" as much as the stock. Isn't that weird?

And then there's society's take on money that seems to involve the idea that money has it's place and that there are places where it doesn't belong. But as with other "intuitive" ideas that society comes up with there is a huge gray area in which a couple of games of football and a friendly game of capture the Flag can be played simultaneously. Money and love aren't supposed to go together. Or is it supposed to be with Friendship? Theoretically both parties of any such relationship wouldn't need help from either side to cover their bills. But that's a theory that's never seen this side of reality. So when is it that someone is asking too much of you? When you financially can't take it any more? When you just "feel" like you're being taken for a ride? Should we institute a specific amount a friend is allowed to go into debt to his friends for? It's one of those things that is just supposed to make sense but doesn't. And for some people, no matter when you pull the plug, you're going to be a horrible evil person for doing so.

This of course leads easily to the concept of money and politics. I have a hard time not laughing when I hear people saying things like a vote shouldn't be bought. Clearly this is something said by people who didn't have the money to swing the vote their way. Whether they're talking about money for a politician's campaign, propaganda for or against a certain bill, wining and dining a lawmaker for his attention to a specific cause it's all a part of the machine we have willingly bought into and made ourselves a part of. And we are all part of it. Citizen or not, registered voter or lazy slack-ass or not. If you are in the U.S. you are a part of it and it is part of you. It may even follow you when you leave. Money makes the world go round. Money is that lever stuck into a good spot held from a firm place.

So maybe a little rallying against society, against the status quo, would be good for us. The poor by definition, have no money. The environment is outside of humanity and thus exists without the touch of money. So swinging a vote in favor of these takes some sort of conviction of worth that goes beyond money.

Agitating is something that I hope to get into in my life. I don't have the attention span or the desire to sit out in the cold for extended amounts of time so protesting doesn't seem to be for me. But then again there is no money in theatre so I guess I have my work cut out for me. If only I would get on with it.