Listening: Matrix 2 on Monstrovision
Mentally Replaying: "Talula" Tori
Desiring: an idea

heh. Isn't that the way? I knew this would happen. I wanted to start writing a week ago and just knew that by this point I'd be praying for November to be over. At this point I'd happy to get *something* written, a page, a a paragraph. Something. I can barely even remember what I was thinking about writing. I have notes, but they look like something someone else wrote. I should probably hunt down a different idea and work on it and see if that spurs something.



I've spent the better part of the week angry and distrought over something that is not entirely worth my time. I've been feeling disappointed and hurt by friends well to the point of tears, I've been so angry my jaw hurts for grinding my teeth.

Isn't that the way? I set down some outlines for dealing with anger and the universe sets something up to test my fine ideals. Well that's the problem with ideals isn't it? They're rainy-weather plans drawn up on clear weather days.

At times like this I think of what legendary figures that I admire would do. And of course, everything I know about them indicates that they'd never allow themselves to be so blindly led by anger. Old Man Coyote would nimbly leap between the logical digressions and foment a trap in his reasoning to allow fools and the prideful to get caught in. The Buddha would laugh off the lack of comprehension by the other parties and repeat himself as necessary, perhaps throwing in different analogies that continued his point to its natural conclusion. Jesus would sit back and bide his time carefully calculating words so that they only needed to be told once. He would tell stories to illustrate his points. He would never allow himself to be baited.


I don't work like this.


In part because I'm only human: I want to be right, I take things personally and I hate explaining myself repeatedly.

But also because I assume my friends are up to speed not only with the history I know, but with the fact that I take it as an insult when my knowledge and assertions are questioned by people who don't know what it is that I'm talking about.

Anyhow. I still don't like the person I turn into at times like this. I dislike being surrounded by the ignorant. If this sounds arrogant or elitist, I apologize. I don't mean to be divisive, I simply mean that sometimes people can enter a situation ignorant and seek information or they can remain willfully ignorant of the situation at hand. It's the second group that frustrates and irritates me. And rather than remain frustrated and irritated I choose to simply avoid them. Again, sorry if that sounds crappy. I don't know how to clean it up.

So I'll try to meditate more on the conundrum of seeking/building peace while still desperately wishing to be right. Right now it's time for dinner.


Oh, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, count your blessings.