Feeling very down this morning. Not like enough to do anything to myself just enough that I wish I could get away with not doing anything.

What was I doing? Where was I going and how did I get here? And what could it possibly all matter?


Relationship trouble, basic ennui, dissatisfaction with myself, stress, expenses and a tremendous load of things I want to get done today versus the serious lack of energy.

I really just want to take my camera and drive down PCH and see what I see. It's been drizzling this morning so there won't be many people out, the air will be clear and the lighting should be kind.

But I also ought to get the oil changed on my car, I haven't eaten yet, I've needed to get up to Sam French for years now, there's the Brewery Artwalk and MoveOn.org's Bake Sale. I should try the one that is a Fake Sale - give money for no added calories. If I were motivated then I wouldn't be sitting here sorry for myself. But I'm not, so I am.

I don't feel so cranky as...grimy..due to life's little challenges. No matter which of my options I chose I won't be able to shake them. The only equilavent to a shower seems to be joining a Buddhist monastery. Again, it's a motivation thing.


I really, truly don't like talking about relationship trouble. There's no safe ground and I'm paranoid of gossip and things getting taken out of context and people thinking things about my boyfriend that they shouldn't. I'll air dirty laundry about myself and maybe even that of people you'll probably never meet, but the other people, even the ones who have turned their back on me. That's private.


So I'll continue on feeling isolated, living a cell of my own construction and wonder when the clouds will part.