Listening: American Doll Posse, Tori Amos
Mentally Replaying: a few conversations
I'd rather be: at peace
Desiring: to be loved

Today has felt like it could be typical and it bugs me.

Got up when the alarm went off but dozed until the last minute. Pushed through the shower, got the necessities together and drove to work. Had the news playing on the drive home and even listened to some of it.

Worked bunches and got out a couple emails to people that actually matter to me. Didn't get any work done on necessary other details like paying bills and tracking down other important financial information. Skipped lunch to get everything done on time. Didn't diet as well as I could have.

Went to the gym after work and felt neither happy nor sad to get to a new low in my weight - just about to my high school weight (but I was fat in high school too). Worked on the machine and made myself slow down when my side hurt. Stretched out, gathered my things and silently headed back to the car. Hit the road.

Became increasingly aware of the sadness pooling together like clouds circling into a thunderhead. Called my mother to settle in-lieu-of-Mother's Day plans. I'm taking her out to dinner tomorrow night. Got a bit of gossip on her house and my OB's plans for making money. Didn't tell her much about me. Can't get into many details with her and she wouldn't understand about the sadness. Just told her I was tired.

Got home, fired up the computer and got my (snail) mail. Nothing interesting but finally some time to listen to the new Tori my friend the Dean burned for me. curled up around my chair and cried for a few minutes. I guess the biggest reason being that I sorely miss Sister Irene. She died some three odd years ago and for some reason I'm grieving now. But I keep thinking of her grace and patience and how I would give so much to run to her and beg to be taught her secrets. Shit is not well in my life and I've been hiding behind being a damaged person and so shit has gotten worse.

And my obsession for chronicling every friggin second persists...

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being so FUCKING sad all the time. I'm so tired of failing to be the person I should and could be. I know what I want. I don't know precisely how to get it but I will, somehow. (please)