Today I'm envious of the people who know who they are.

Nobody has always been a comfortable identity to me until I tried to be Somebody. then I got all fouled up and confused. I'm not the somebody I intended to be (I think) and instead I'm someone else. I don't know who that is.


My identity has been almost completely obliterated and when I try to pull the last few remaining scraps together I get so frustrated at what I find - and by how far it is from anything that I want - I want to burn those bits too. Let my life become completely ashes. Why not? I'm more than half way there.


I can't sleep right and I can't eat right. This is more than depression. This is anger and a complete lack of faith in anything remaining constant. Every inch of safe ground I thought I had has trembled and cracked.

I was dreaming very early this morning and dreaded words came to me from the one person who could kill me with them. The shock woke me up at a quarter to four. I wanted to get up but just couldn't. I hid in my bed and dozed and prayed and wished I could cry.

The thing is, as Nobody I wanted to ghost around and observe the beautiful world around me without affecting it. And I got really good at that. Exceptionally good. And now I don't know how to get to a state of affecting things. Let alone how to affect things the way that I want.

I know I need to set my feet on the ground. I need to push off with them and make my own life happen. But there are challenges every inch of the way and I'm already in such a state of shock and fear that just knowing they're there intimidates me.

But I want what I want and I have to get it. I just do. And I know that people fail but I can't get slowed by that. I've just never had any particular reason to have faith in myself.